𝐄𝐏𝐇𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋 | g. w

61. one of us is lying

Dorian made no more attempts to kiss me again, which I was thankful for. My life seemed complicated enough as it was, with the ghosts of my past always lingering in the background despite how hard I tried to think of other things. He seemed to understand my reluctance to start something new, yet, I could also sense his disappointment every time he'd let his hand linger for a moment too long on my shoulder as he appeared in the book shop. The smile on his face would disappear as I shrugged him off, and I'd feel guilty for not returning his affections. It was obvious he wanted something more, something I wasn't ready to give him, and it made me distance myself even more.

I was angry still. Angry at myself for not knowing what I wanted and for not being able to just share in his feelings. It would be better if I did. It would make everything so much easier.

I was also still pissed at George because of his behaviour, and no matter how hard I tried to forget about him and our past, something always brought me back to those memories.

I was losing my mind.

At least that's what it felt like most of the time.

The Monroe's did their absolute best to try and cheer me up whenever they could, and I even started journaling to keep my mind occupied on those days that I had nothing else to do. It became a way for me to pour my inner most thoughts and feelings into something other than the people around me. It became a therapy of sorts and helped me to put into words what exactly it was that I was feeling.

When I wasn't putting my own thoughts down in writing, I'd turn to whatever book I was devouring at the moment. Often, I'd exchange recommendations with customers who frequented the shop, sharing in stories of why reading felt like a safe space and who we thought was best suited to capture our favorite characters on screen in case they ever made a movie adaptation.

Dorian would still come to the shop every now and again, but I couldn't deny that the tension between us was palpable, sensing his reluctance to speak of whatever happened between us. He would walk in smiling, two cups of coffee in his hands and a paper bag with croissants to share between us. I'd even catch him staring at me a few times, his eyes searching, perhaps for a sign that I'd no longer want to share in these moments with him, or something pointing at a sudden certainty in wanting to be with him.

At times I found myself wondering what would be worse? Knowing he's hung up on the hope of me returning the intensity of his feelings? Or knowing that he was fearing the possibility of me walking out that door and never returning?

"You know", I shifted in my seat as his voice chimed out of nowhere. We'd been sat reading in quiet for at least an hour before I felt his eyes fall on me, finding his book closed in his lap as I looked up from getting lost in my own. "I've thought a lot about what you said before", I could almost hear the smile in his voice.

"Hmm?", I mumbled, confused. I'd been way too immersed in the fantastical world of A Wizard of Earthsea. It had remained one of my all time favorite books, my parents reading it to me as a child. In the aftermath of the War, it had become even more important to me, acting as a way for me to attempt to come to terms with the horrific scenes I'd had to witness at the final
battle.

Ironically enough, A Wizard of Earthsea centred a lot around the theme of death, but as it stands, became a way for me to cope with everything. It was almost as a world which I could escape to when everything felt on the verge of collapsing, and where every black cloud had a silver lining. It was easier in a way, to be able to get lost in a place where, despite all the hardships the character was forced to endure, you somehow knew that it would all end up being okay in the end.

"Sorry", I muttered, letting the book close shut before placing it in my bag to take home. "What were you saying?"

"Too immersed in the world of Taoism and magic duels to pay attention to the world around you? Don't be sorry, I know just how it is. Anyway, I was just saying that I've been thinking a lot about what you said after, you know, and you were right."