Moss and Mushrooms

Do you mean it

A vent chapter.
Tw: depression, SA, addiction

Depressive reruns
The story tells itself again and again.
Will I ever find what I'm looking for? Will I ever hold it for long?
What do you have to show for yourself? Will this be the thing that defines you?
I am tired and the story repeats. I want to be better and the story repeats. I do things differently and the story repeats.
I start to question if this is just the way it is.
I go through the motions of a day, I stare at a screen for hours, I pretend that things are the way they should be, I turn the lights off and return to this feeling and these poems.
It all feels pointless. Where am I going? What am I becoming?
Is it really worth all the trouble? When the sun sets what is left?
When the lights turn off and I don't have to pretend anymore when will I find it?
When will I find relief that is real? When do I say I'm happy and mean it? When do I get over what had already ended?
The repetitive nature of it all is deafening. Again and again and again and again.

Here I remain
Did you ever move on?

I don't think so.

Why do you say that?

I died that day. No matter where I go, no matter who I become, a part of me is still sitting in that bed. A part of me never left that bed.

Why would you remain so stagnant?

I don't want to live in this room forever. I want to move on.

Then why don't you?

I don't know.

Two selves
I miss it, more than I've ever missed anything. How could I ever give it up?

You stopped for a reason. I remember that. It wasn't what you think it was. You don't miss it, not honestly.

But I will never feel that way sober.

Isn't that a good thing? It's not natural. You're not supposed to feel that way.

I've gotten a taste of something lovely. Something worthwhile.

Did you really? It was a plastic happiness that burned your life down. Is that what you want?

I miss it so much. I miss the breath after a line, I miss drinking myself to sleep, I miss it all.

That's not true. Do you miss feeling sick for months at a time? Do you miss the shame of getting caught? Do you miss knowing this is going to kill you and not caring? You don't miss that, not honestly.

What's the point if I'm going to spend my whole life missing?

You won't spend your whole life missing it.

Angeline
I don't know why he is doing these things to me. Why won't he listen? This isn't right, this isn't the way things are supposed to be.

You are right Angeline. This isn't how things are supposed to be.

What am I doing wrong? I don't understand.

Angeline you aren't doing anything wrong.

Then why is he doing these things to me? Why doesn't he love me enough not to hurt me?

It's not your fault. He does these things to you because he is a bad man, not because you have done anything wrong.

This isn't right. This isn't how a family is supposed to love each other.

You know the truth. He doesn't love you like a brother should.

Can I ask you something?

Yes you can ask me anything.

Am I doing something wrong by not fighting it anymore? I don't like this, I don't want this. Do you believe me?

I do believe you. Angeline, sometimes people get tired of fighting, you are not doing anything bad but being tired.

Does he ever stop?

He does. He doesn't come by for Christmas anymore.