Moss and Mushrooms

February and October

A miscellaneous chapter. Mostly hopeful.
TW: addiction/substances, mental illness, SA

Beautiful unknown
I am trying to remind myself that god has a plan for me, that god knows things about what comes after this that I cannot even begin to comprehend.
Because I don't know much. I don't know what I am supposed to do, I don't know what I am doing wrong, I don't know where I am going.
And maybe I do have my plans and designs but they are nothing more than that, at least not in honesty.
I don't know why god lets bad things happen, I don't know where god was when I laid in that bed lifeless, but I don't have to know.
I don't have to know why things work the way they do to know they do.
I don't know why god let me suffer like I did, but I know that he has shown me things I never thought possible.
I didn't think I was capable of anything more than a plastic happiness, and now I am living in it. I didn't think I would survive those nights but here I stand.

Letter to god
I don't really know what to say, I think I could write for days and there would still be many things left untouched because I could never say it all.
I'm sorry. I think we both know why. Please forgive me, please do not let this be the thing that defines me.
I want to be good. I will be. I'll do almost anything to let it go, believe me. There's a short list of things I wouldn't do to take it back.
I am sorry for blaming you. I do not understand why you let me get hurt like that, maybe I never will, but I understand that you did not hurt me, he did.
I don't know why you let him in so close. I don't know why he is still out there. But I guess it's time I let that go.
It's not your fault and it's not mine. Please help me move on, because I don't want to spend my whole life sore.
Thank you for protecting me in the ways you did. I understand that in the beginning I didn't want things to be this way, but we both know I should not pretend.
Please help me be willing.
I ask you to guide me, I don't know what I am supposed to do. Show me the way because things make so much more sense when you're there.
Please keep me sober. Please remind me of how bad it was so I never go back to it. I want to stay this way. The drugs pulled me away from everything I should have been.
Please help me be kind. Help me think of them when I normally wouldn't. Remind me of their value.
Teach me to live with this.

Diagnosis
I know why everything is too loud and why this is harder than it should be.
I know why I am so easy to lie to. I know why I don't know what you mean. I know why these ordeals are so confusing. I know why I feel so far away.
I know why I can't stop talking about it. I know why it feels like air to me. I know why I can't sit still when I think about it.
I know why I forget most of my life. I know why the blackouts and consistencies still linger.
I know why everything seems to be true at the same time.
I know why I love you and I hate you. I know why when he left I felt like I was dying.
I know why I have never had a mediocre day. I know why everything is in black or white.
I know why I see things that aren't there. I know why I used to feel so hollow.
I know why I sometimes still feel him on me. I know why sometimes it seems like I never really stopped thinking about it.
I know why I am always remembering it. I know why I am still scared of him. I know why I want to be held but am too scared to let someone do it.
I know why I never was able to control it. I know why everything falls apart when I start.
In my mind these things help me make sense of myself, because if I don't know myself then I cannot fix myself.
It is comforting to know there is a word for it, that there are people out there who are like me.

Growing up
So much of me didn't expect to make it to eighteen, I was sure I wouldn't. I would never get to grow up, would I?
I think I am growing up. Just a little.
I do certain things every day. I have my little routines. I write, make a to-do list, and pray.
I try to work towards the things I want. I want to be an author so I keep writing poems. I want to be sober so I keep going to AA. I want to be happy so I do anything I think that will lead me there.
I start a job tomorrow. I went to the interview sober, and that's the first time. They called me this morning and I could not contain my excitement.
I do things I don't want to do, sometimes I enjoy it. I wash the dishes and clean my room. I write even when I don't feel like it. I talk to people even when I would rather be alone. I'll rip off the bandaid even when the truth is hard to sit with.
Things are the way that they are. Some things are to be accepted and not to be changed. It's not about what I want, it's about what I have.
I realize that no one can make me happy aside from myself. I can ask for all I want, I have to pull the gray fog out of myself because no one can do it for me.
For a long time I was scared to grow up, and I am certainly still fearful, but I am excited to see who I become.