Moss and Mushrooms

Tomorrow will be Sunday

TW: SA, incest, hallucinations, addiction/substances

Shame
I have a strange kind of shame, the kind of shame that folds in on itself.
I have a strange kind of shame that tells on itself. I want you to know. I would tell you all the worst details if you would let me. I think about how I would say it. I've been dying to tell you the story.
I have a strange kind of shame that feels like this is me. This is a part of me, there's no taking those moments back, there's no unwriting those poems. There's no forgetting this. There is no letting go.
I have a strange kind of shame that feels obsessive. I think about it over and over again. I analyze every part of it. I remember it over and over again.
I have a strange kind of shame with a story that demands space. These moments are alive and they are tired of pretending not to be. Tell me you see it. Tell me it is bad enough. How would I tell him? How would I explain it?
I have the strange kind of shame that wants nothing more than to be seen.

Dying sober
I could die sober, one day when this all comes to an end I could rest knowing that this is not the thing that killed me.
It ruined me, it hurt me, it changed me, but it is not me.
I am more than an addict. I will be more than an ache in your chest. I will be good.
I think of a life in which I feel untainted. I cannot rid myself of this pattern but I don't have to live in it.
There will be a day when I realize I haven't thought of it in weeks. There will be a day when I realize it's over all now. It will be so far behind me.
They don't have to see me drunk. My kids don't have to know that dad used to get high. I won't be seen with shaking hands and a runny nose. I'll forget to write about it.

Tomorrow
It's there, I can't hold it in my hands, not yet, but one day I will hold it. One day it will be so close to me that it hears my heart beat.
I will have an internal summer, a type of resilience and consistent happiness. My shoulders will be relaxed. I will not be fearful. When I laugh I will mean it. I will know within me that I have found what I am looking for.
I will have the word safe tattooed on my wrist because there is no reason left to question it. I can be what I am and you will not judge me. I will sleep in a bed with you and I will not be scared of what comes next.
My home will be a sanctuary. The walls will be colorful and filled with my drawings and poems. Everything will be intentional and clean. I will lay in my bed and I will know that in this room I am whole.
He will love me, all of me. He will hold me and I will not be scared. He will love the rambles, the passion, I will not need to be fearful but he will understand if I am. I will love him, I will love the sound of his voice and the way he fidgets when he's nervous.
I'll have a family of my own, a family that is whole. My children will know they are loved, they will not be forced to pretend. They will feel safe. They will have never seen me drunk.
There will be a place for all of me, the scared child, the shaking Decembers, the Sundays and Mondays. Every piece of me will know they are safe.
I'll keep writing books. I'll have a large stack of pages I know I poured myself into. People will read them and realize that they are not the only person who has felt this way.
They will sit in my office and tell me things they swore they would never share with another soul. I believe you, I hear you, I see you. I will help you find your way through this.
I will have years of sobriety chips in my bag, I'll go to AA meetings often, it will be behind me but I will never forget. This is a part of me but this is not all of me.
I will feel pretty, boy pretty. I will like the way I look in photos and clothes.
I will be allowed to be the way I am, I will be allowed to flap my hands, I will be allowed to ramble on, I will be allowed to do the same things over and over again.
Those memories will be so far behind me, they will exist but they will not linger as they do today, it will just be another thing that happened. I am not his, I never was.
When my birthday comes along I will have many people to invite, my friendships will run deep, tell me everything because I know I can.
I will pray every morning and every night. I will know that god is with me today, I will know that god made me what I am because it's the way I am supposed to be.
I will know I am good. I will know I am exactly what I should be. I will know I am not defined by my worst moments because so many beautiful ones outweigh them.
My nightstand will be full of diaries and memory boxes detailing stories of a life well lived.