Moss and Mushrooms

Iris mosaics

A collection with many different undertones, some very hopeful, some depressing.
TW: substances/addiction, SA and sex, hallucinations

I'm not like you
They separate themselves from you in any way they can, because they aren't like you and they never will be.
They know how to control themselves, they know how to stop after a few drinks, you never did, did you?
They don't do things the way you do. They don't put drugs in their nose. They don't buy stuff off the streets. They don't get sick in the mornings.
You'll spend your whole life hearing about how you always ruin the night for everyone. You'll spend your whole life hearing about how you could really be something if you could just quit.
Sometimes you don't think they are that different from you. Sometimes it feels like you are entirely estranged from these people, these people who love you.
You feel dirty when you tell the stories. You wanted to feel good and you did anything you had to do to get there.
You wish they knew what it was like. You know this is going to kill you and you wonder if you'll ever be able to put it down. You see every area of your life being tainted and colored by this ugly thing.
The drugs don't work like they used to, do they? You're chasing a high that no longer exists.
You don't want to spend your life rotting, because you know what lies ahead hurts, you know this will be the thing that defines you if you let it be.

More than this
You want to be more than an addict, you always wanted to be. Every time you are reminded of it you think to yourself "shut up, you're trying to kill me."
You think that maybe you will figure this out. You have made it this far and you have done everything you thought would help. You pray to a god you've never met. You don't listen to the old songs that remind you of it. You change everything.
You are patiently waiting for the day when this isn't so loud in your mind. You wait for the day when you go weeks without thinking about it. You wait for the day you really believe this is over.
You know that day exists. You know it's out there waiting for you.
There will be people in this world who have never seen you drunk. There will be people in this world who never knew about the stories of days past until you tell them on a Sunday afternoon.
There will be people in this world you never had to hide this from. There will be people in this world who are surprised to hear about it.
You will live somewhere knowing you never bought a drug into this home. You will hear a song and know you have only heard this sober.
You will look back on these writings knowing it was yesterday. You will rarely write about it because it is over now.
There are people who haven't seen you with the runny nose you used to get. You will know that you have gone a full year sober. You will know that each month is less tainted by the drugs.
You will meet people who will not question if you're high. They will never hear you slur your speech or try to hide the fact that you took too much this morning.
Some days you feel like you have already arrived. You think about the drugs a little less. You have a dream where you choose to throw away the bottle. You lock the liquor cabinet before you open it. You used to hate being sober and now you're not sure what you would do if you weren't.
You will be more than this. You have always been more than this.

4th step
Sitting with all the bad things you have done, seeing it written out all in front of you, it's relieving in a way you never thought it would be.
You look at each page and you feel untainted. It feels good to admit to yourself that this is what you are, it feels amazing to know that you are trying to get better.
You read the lines of messy handwriting, you see why they don't talk to you anymore. You loved them and you hurt them, a story told time and time again.
It seems that everyone you ever got close to was hurt from your hand, often without a care. It scares you because you know in the past you didn't care. You didn't care and you never really considered it.
You created your own pain, you created your isolation. Those relationships didn't just die, you killed them.
You feel relieved because you know you are better than you used to be, you know that you are trying to be someone who cares and considers and listens.
Sometimes you miss the drugs so much that you don't really care if this would be the thing that kills you, but you know that you will not be the only one getting hurt.
At points you were overcome by guilt and self pity. Now you see why they left. Now you know that you don't have to behave like that anymore.
You see the patterns that recur time and time again. Once the drugs get involved they come before everything and anyone, you don't care who you'll have to step on to get there. You pity yourself more than you could ever realize, your victim complex is going to eat you if you let it.
What brings you hope is knowing that this is not all you will ever be. You have everything you need within reach, you can be better, you can be a good man and an honest man.