Moss and Mushrooms

Let it be what it is

A chapter about my trauma (who would have guessed). Very angry chapter.
TW: SA/incest

Know you're not alone
I believe I am the only person alive who has had these thoughts.
This is who I am. I wish he would have killed me like he said he would. I would do anything to forget but I refuse to let go. When you say I am not what happened to me I know you are lying. You say you want to hear about it but you don't. You don't believe me, not because it's not the truth but because it is too hard for you to sit with what really happened.
It doesn't make sense. None of this makes sense. I will spend my entire life trying to learn to live with it. I will spend my whole life telling the story without ever telling the story.
You tell me I need to move on. You tell me I should have stopped it. You tell me I had a way out of this.
Believe me or not, I was there and you weren't. You would never say that to an eight year old. I want nothing more than for this to be over, I wanted nothing more than for him to stop.
Fuck you for ever blaming me. Fuck you for looking at that little girl who was in so much pain and telling her that she should have been better. She did enough. She tried hard enough. Fuck you for ever daring to blame her.
I sit with my friend and slowly these memories bleed into the conversation.
They know what it's like. They know what it's like to be ripped into pieces only to glue yourself back together in the morning. They know what it's like to forget but also remember in painfully vivid detail.
You too have seen what I have seen. They know how it feels to be used and left for dead night after night after night after night.
You have seen how vile humans can be and even if no one believes us I believe us. I believe you, you believe me, we are the same.
I don't think I have ever felt this seen by another human being. You tell me the story and it's almost like you were there with me. You know how it breaks a person into a fine powder. You know that I am not wrong for not being over it.
You tell me what happened to you and never in my life have I felt less alone. With you I am not disgusting or dramatic, with you I am just what I am.

Plastic family
I am tired of you. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to listen to how great the family is, because you're wrong, you will admit it or you won't, I don't really care anymore.
I really don't want to hear it anymore. I don't.
I wish you would just stop pretending but I don't think you even realize you are.
Tell me how the dynamics aren't what I think they are, tell me that you are always here to listen, tell me how we have it so good, tell me it isn't a big deal, tell me there are no more secrets.
The dynamics aren't that complicated aside from the fact that wife cheated on husband and brother raped sister and that everyone is always waiting for the carpet to be pulled from under them.
Don't talk about bad families like that, we are a bad family, end of story.
I'm allowed to be angry that you didn't notice years of abuse occurring rooms away. I don't care if you feel guilty, that doesn't change anything.
I'm allowed to feel like I'm being lied to when I've been lied to and lied to and lied to.
Tell me how you're always here to listen when every conversation makes me feel worse in the end. I told you this. You don't want to believe me because it's easier not to.
You're here to listen until you have to sit with the fact that you cannot take back mistakes that will impact me for the rest of my life.
We have such a good family besides the fact that I can never really trust that everything is as good as you say it is, and it's a good family besides the fact that I'm sleeping in a rapist bedroom because that's a better bedroom than it actually happened in.
I'm angry at you and I'm allowed to be. Stop telling me how lucky I am. I am suffocating because of being forced to pretend and pretend and pretend.
I don't care if you don't think the divorce isn't a big deal. You cheated and you acted as if what you did was okay. You hurt him and he is the best man I've ever met. Let yourself sit with it, let yourself feel guilty because you should.
Tell me how there are no more secrets one more time so help me god I will lose my mind. No more secrets but that person you love is not what you think they are. No more secrets but why am I just finding out about this. No more secrets but Elliot you're not allowed to tell anyone about that. No more secrets but you're still fucking lying.