Moss and Mushrooms

Tiny Vessels // Death cab for Cutie

A story inspired by "TIny Vessels" by Death cab for Cutie.
TW: Being closeted, internalized homophobia, suicide

This is the moment that you know
My stomach hurts. Something about this doesn't feel right. I don't really know why. I am sitting on the couch talking with Adeline about the wedding. We are talking about which family rituals we will use for our wedding and if we should give succulents as wedding gifts. I laugh, "You can't be serious." She smiles "What do you mean?" "Please work with me here!" "Fair enough." She sits closer to me and rests her head on my chest. "I can't wait to marry you Noah." My stomach drops. I want to run away and I want to do it now. My heart is racing. My eyes are stinging and my vision is getting blurry. The weight of a lifetime of confusion hits me all at once. This is not what I want. I don't love her, not like that. It feels like my world collapses in, one minute ago she was the one for me and now I know that it was never real, not in the way I thought it was. I excuse myself into the shower. I turn on the hot water, I keep the lights dim, I sit on the shower floor. The water is burning my skin and I'm doing my best to cry quietly. I feel so trapped. How could I be so stupid? All the past two years with Adeline came flooding back. I vividly recall every time I wondered why I thought about Samuel more than Adeline, every time it felt like I was with a friend and not a girlfriend, and just about every day dream I have had about Samuel. I remember when she asked me out and how in the back of my mind I knew that something about the way I relate to her is not typical. I feel like an awful human being, because she is a beautiful human being, truly. I know I put myself here but I wonder how I was so unaware. It felt like everything I knew had changed.

I wanted to believe all the words I was speaking
I laid next to her in bed. It was early in the morning, I told myself that the past few days have been nothing at all. I'm nervous for the wedding, that's all, that's everything. Nothing to worry about. She is half awake and pulls herself closer to me. This is the woman I am going to marry, this is what I want. "I love you Adeline." She turns up to me and kisses me. I love her. I do. I talk a lot about the wedding and the honeymoon. We haven't picked out a destination but it will be somewhere beautiful. I talk about it endlessly because I am excited, so excited. I've told just about everyone, always sure to display excitement. I sit with my mother and I'm rambling, she looks at me with a sad look on her face. "Noah, something about this doesn't feel right." "What are you saying?" "You seem like you're trying to be happier than you are."

Dark gray clouds
I have been dreading coming home from work, normally I would just go to Samuel's house but that's not the same as it used to be. I sit next to him when we are all together and I am overwhelmed by guilt. Every time I make eye contact with him I remember all the times I would imagine him when with Adeline. I can't be with him right now. I don't want to be with anyone right now. She's home and I know she is. She'll want to talk about the wedding and kiss me. I can't do it anymore. I care about her but I can't keep doing this. I can't. Each street that is closer to home my stomach aches just a little bit more. I pull into the driveway and walk up to our apartment. I am trying to think of a way to get out of this but I can't. I walk into the apartment, I hear the shower running and it buys me some time. I lay on my side of the bed and stare at the ceiling. My mind is racing. I am an awful person. She's perfect, why can't I just love her? Why can't I just be normal? I could tell her and ruin just about everything. I'd have to come out of the closet at age twenty six and start over. I'd have to tell everyone that it was all a lie. I would have to admit that my proposal and wedding invitations were made of plastic. I could just go through with it, get married and put this part of myself far away. I can't imagine feeling like this for the rest of my life. I can't share a bed with her, not today and not for the next thirty years. The thought of suicide crosses my mind and I take a moment to hold it and pull it apart. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea. She comes into our bedroom. "Noah is everything alright?" She seems worried in a genuine way, god I'm such an asshole. "Yeah, everythings fine, I just have a headache." She looks at me "You know you can tell me anything." "Just come lay with me." I hold her close to me. Never in my life have I felt so trapped.

Is something wrong?
I'm sitting on the edge of my bed. Never in my life have I ever felt so clueless as to what to do. I keep returning to the thought of ending things and I know where to buy a gun. Should I? Maybe. I start thinking of what I'd say in my letter. I would rather not leave one but it's a bit cruel. Isn't it? Do I lie? That's pretty fucking sad to lie in my own suicide letter. I might. I feel like that would make it all easier. I won't do it tonight. I'll do it when I'm alone so Adeline doesn't have to find my body. I reach back to my night stand and open my phone. I started searching the hours of the store where I could get the gun. "Noah?" Jesus fucking christ. I quickly turn off my phone and look at her. "Yes?" "What's wrong?" Maybe I should have left to buy the gun because I can't handle another second of this. "Nothing, don't worry." She sits up in bed and glares at me. "Noah, I know you're lying to me about something." I think of every possible way I could kill myself right then. I have no idea what to do, I'm at an apex point of cluelessness. I try to think of the words but nothing comes out. I'm dead soon, why bother her? If I'm going to kill myself I need to make it quick and easy for the both of us. "Noah, please talk to me." "I don't know what to say." I follow her into the living room. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. "Tell me what's going on." "Well, I just. God. Adeline I don't know what to say to you. I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry I didn't mean for this to happen." She looked at me empathetically, "Noah just tell me, I will listen, I promise I won't be mad." I stared at my knees. "I'm really really sorry." "Noah." I can tell she's getting annoyed with me for beating around the bush. "Well when we got together things made sense to me. I knew that maybe things were different but not like that." "Not like what?" "I don't love you like that. You are an amazing person, really. If I could love you I would. I would believe me. With all this talk of the wedding I just, I know that I don't feel the same way, even if I wanted to." "What did I do?" "Adeline, it's not you, I promise." "What is it then?" "I don't think I want a wife." I pause for a long minute. "Do you understand what I am saying?"She hugs me tightly. "I know exactly what you mean."