Moss and Mushrooms

Smeared black ink

A rambling/vent chapter.
TW: substances/addiction

How do I feel this way sober
I wish I never knew what this was like, I find myself looking for it in everything.
I'll never feel that way sober.
I want to feel good again, I want to feel really good. I miss that.
This will not bring me there, this only pulls me further away from myself, but I struggle to let it go.
I miss the little routines. I miss the breath after a line. I miss falling asleep because I took too much.
It's been seven months without and I still find myself dreaming of it, I still find myself trying to pull myself away from it.
I find myself missing it when I wake up in the morning, I find myself missing it when I go to bed at night, I miss it more than I've missed anything.
I wish I didn't know what it was like to be high, I wish I did not comprehend such heights because they reach highs I could never reach on my own.
I have gotten a taste of something awful that I don't want to let go of.

The party is over
There is nothing left for you here.
This will not give you what you are looking for, I assure you that.
The drugs will flood you but they only leave you more empty in the end.
It's not worth it, it never is, when the sun sets there is always a bitter taste left in my mouth when it is all over.
There is nothing left for you here.
The same story will play out again.
You will sacrifice too much for it, you will step over dead bodies to get high.
You will lose yourself.
You will get sick, it will stop working.
There is nothing left for you here.
If you want to be better you can't do this.
You have to understand that this will remove your morals like it always does, you will step on those around without even realizing it.
You will do something awful again, something that stings when you think about it.
There is nothing left for you here.
You will find yourself in a hole again.
The world will fold in on itself.

Cravings
I am in my most raw form.
I miss it, I miss it to the point of tears.
Every thought folds in on itself, it's deafening.
Every thought circles back to getting high.
Why did you do this to yourself?
When will I find what I am looking for?

I care if I am guilty
I always thought I was better than this.
I never saw myself as the type of person to behave in such ways.
When the sun sets I must admit to myself that I am that way, that I did those things.
I find it hard to wrap my head around it all.
Elliot, you did those things. Elliot, good people don't do those things. Elliot, what kind of man are you?
I stare at the people I hurt. It's an ache in my chest, knowing all that I have done.
She was my world, she was everything to me, but let's pretend this never happened between us, let's just forget about us.
Elliot, why are you so unkind? Elliot, why do you know better? Elliot, why don't you know better?
I am sometimes overwhelmed by guilt. I think about it when I wake up and when I go to sleep. I have dreams about it.
Elliot, are you worth forgiving? Elliot, do you think you deserve to feel anything but guilt?
I stare at the sunset and I think about it.
Elliot, what kind of human being are you? Elliot, what kind of man do you want to be?
I never thought of myself like this. I am not the man I thought I was. I sit in my wickedness, I'm not as flowery as I believed myself to be.
I am the rose, I am the blooming red rose, I am the thorns, I am the blood dripping from your fingertips.

A letter to god
God, please guide me through this.
God, I don't know what I'm supposed to be. God, I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I don't know what I want, I don't know what I should want.
I know that when I pray life makes more sense to me, I know that on the days that I pray the world is breathable.
I don't know how I should live. I don't know how to be a person. God, how do I make sense of it all?
God I have gotten myself into dark places on my own, please light the way.

Happy
And for just a moment everything was as it should have been.
The world was quiet, I had the sense that maybe I could find my way through this.
I found my internal summer, the sun shines on my spirit.