Moss and Mushrooms

Nine months

Poems written after hitting nine months of sobriety.
TW: Addiction mention but in a positive/sober light, child hood sexual assault, incest 

Happier than ever
You didn't think you would ever find your way to moments in which you felt untainted by your addiction.
You were going to do this until it killed you and you believed that. There was no point in trying anymore. Some people don't ever get better, some people die like this. You're going to die like this, aren't you?
You'll hurt everyone you meet. You'll steal and lie. You'll choke on your vomit.
You almost didn't care, you accepted this because you didn't see another option, you always wanted to be more than this, but would you ever arrive?
You didn't think you could live without it, and maybe some of you wanted to, but you could never seem to find your way there.
You needed this to be happy, you needed this more than anything.
Each day it becomes a little easier, each day you feel a little bit more certain that this won't be all you are.
You know there are people in this world who have heard you tell the story but they have never seen you drunk. You know there are plenty who will never witness you in this state.
You know you can be happy and sober because you are.
Life makes more sense than it used to. You realize you are far happier without them.
You enjoy things now, more than you ever did.
You listen to music that's not about drugs. You write about things outside of your addiction. You think other thoughts. You do things without worrying when you'll get your next fix.
This does not have to define you, and for the first time in many years you believe that.

Treehouse
As you walk through your day you find yourself consumed by your thoughts.
You pick things apart, you analyze, you peel back the layers of paint looking for the truth.
You live in daydreams, you imagine a world where you could be seen and heard. You imagine a life without unintentionally pretending.
You are always feet behind every moment. You are away when you are washing the dishes or doing your school work. You are away when you are socializing and writing. You are away from moments you have no reason to hide from.
You retreat into yourself, and maybe for a while that's what you needed, but you find yourself doing it even when you know this is the first time life has finally felt breathable.

Bruising yourself
You feel a need to bruise yourself, you think you always have.
You have always found your way into putting yourself in pain, you know that now, because at some point when you keep entertaining these things it starts to be of your own making.
A part of you does not want to get better, a part of you wants to be in pain and you never really understood why.
Maybe you have improved, maybe you have grown, but you still find a way to knees that are blue and purple.
It's like a hole within yourself you need to fill, something you will always find yourself coming back to.
You always want to be at least a little bit unhappy. You continue to create moments that leave you aching.
You sometimes ask yourself why, but you believe that never really mattered, you could psychoanalyze everything you've ever done, that has never stopped you from doing it.
You wonder if there will be a day when you really change, you wonder if there will be one day when you let yourself really heal.
You get a little closer every month but you never let yourself fully arrive. You never let yourself have it.

Confessions
You told everyone it ended differently than it did. You discarded her and acted as if she were the one who was unkind.
You never thought about her enough. You never thought about anyone enough. You probably still don't think about anyone enough.
You still feel like you're pretending, sometimes you don't even know what you are hiding.
You've told the lies so many times you almost believe them.
You don't feel close to people and when you do it is fleeting.
You have known him for so little time and you still think about him every day.
You have found yet another way to bruise yourself.
Sometimes you think you should feel more guilty than you do. You sit in front of him and you know you should feel a pit in your stomach but you don't.
You find comfort in the rot. You don't know if this ever goes away.
You're in your happiest period and you still have an uneasy feeling in your stomach.

The way it's supposed to be
It's a little bit easier to live with everyday.
In the beginning this is the thing that kept you alive and breathing, in the beginning it was the only option and you don't blame yourself for that.
As time went on and the truth settled in like an unwelcome guest this is not what you wanted to be. This might be the worst thing a person can be.
You pushed it away, it never left you, the distance only led to more confusion.
Sometimes you would try to figure it out, sometimes you would try to make sense of it but it only made you more uncomfortable to see it all written in front of you. The acceptance was ultimately conditional, because maybe it is this way but I will not allow myself to be anything other than what I deem acceptable.
It's fine until the list becomes lengthy. It's fine until it does not agree with what I want it to. It's fine until it's ugly and messy and confusing. It's fine until it's too complex to be something I or others can understand.
Until one day it made sense. Until one day this was exactly the way it is and the way it is is everything it needs to be.
One day I would realize it does not have to look how it looks for them. One day I would realize it does not make me unacceptable or unlovable.

Unwelcome visitor
You carry a shame with you everywhere you go, constantly asking yourself the same questions and telling yourself the same stories.
Why can't you just get over it? Why can't you just stop thinking about it? What would happen if they knew?
You have a pit in your stomach when you think of how this still lives with you every day. You still feel him touching you sometimes. You still stare at the door waiting at night because a part of you knows that this is what happens at this time of day.
The stories replay in your mind endlessly. Maybe you are no longer shaking and crying when you are reminded of it but it exists in your mind loudly. You tell yourself you won't think about it and then you do, over and over again.
You wonder how you would tell them if they ever asked. You wonder if they would look at you the same if they knew how disgusting it really was.
Sometimes you are reminded of those moments in a way that is so vivid you cannot explain.
You see him again. You feel him standing outside your door. You can't breathe because his hands are around your neck. You are going to die in this bed and you know that.
You never cease to be uneasy when you think about the fact that this is your family. That this is your blood. That someone you share DNA with visited you at night more times than you could count.
You almost want to tell people. You want to tell them the stories. You would tell them about the first time it happened, you would tell them about the fear that turned into disconnect, you would tell them about the times you truly believed today was your last day.

Honeymoon
You've wanted this for so long and at this moment you think you will do almost anything to get there.
Because without it you don't know what you would be. You don't know how you would make it through all of this if you didn't achieve it.
You are starting to think that you have a real shot at getting this, that you can get what you want, that this time will be it.
You cannot stop imagining your life with it, because this is everything you want, this will give you everything you are looking for.
You will finally be what you want to be.
You recognize that maybe this is not the way to get it, that maybe this is not going to give you what you have been looking for.
Still it is difficult to resist the temptation, you know where you want to be and you know how you could get there.
It feels good to see the changes, changes you have wanted for as long as you can remember, each comment and small difference guiding you there.