Moss and Mushrooms

Elated nights

Poems written at 3-4 AM.
TW: anxiety, mild addiction mention

Up all night
Your body mind is everything but quiet and you cannot seem to step out of it, you cannot step from behind or above your body.
You are up until four or five in the morning. You are tired but not tired enough to sleep.
Maybe you shouldn't have said that but you didn't know that before you said it. You wonder if people think you are on drugs. You aren't.
Your mind is loud and you cannot turn it off, you cannot enjoy the silence.
You hate it, you are shaking under your skin, you are running out of ways to fill the time, you are running out of ways to say it.
You love it, everything is your favorite thing, you feel like you haven't felt in so long.
You can't tell if this means you're getting better or getting worse. You can't tell if this is an improvement or a new presentation of another thing you shouldn't be.

I can change I can change I can change
Your mind is at points entirely consumed by it, your mind has been eaten by the drugs, because now that you know you can never forget.
You have felt things you could never feel sober, and you can never seem to let that go.
You think of it when you wake up in the morning. You think of it when you wake up in the middle of the night. You think of it most moments in between.
Sometimes you feel like this is going to be the thing that ends you, that maybe you can play the game all you want, you will lose in the end, and sometimes you think you really can get sober at seventeen.
You think you can see the pain and sorrow and choose to be different.
You can work on your fourth step. You can be a little more honest than you ever thought you'd ever be. You can send your sponsor stupid messages.
Every day you ask yourself, how will I ever live without this? And every day you do.

3:43 AM
You can feel your heart pumping blood to your hands and heart and mind.
You don't know how to calm yourself down because all the things that normally help are failing you.
The music is not helping. Staying still is not helping. The day dreams are not helping.
Your mind is loud and demands space. Your body has forgotten how to be calm.
You're up all night. Your face hurts from clenching your teeth.
You're talking and laughing, but what are you laughing at? But what are you saying?
If you sit still for a moment it floods you, and maybe you would be better if you never let yourself have a quiet moment. That doesn't work either.
You look for the words, you wonder how you will describe this, you think if you find the way to say it you will somehow rid yourself of it, you keep looking.
You're pretty sure this is a dream. You're pretty sure you're awake right now.

Unmasked
They don't mind. This is just the way that you are and there is nothing wrong with that.
You cannot sit still when you're excited. You're childish and you don't seem to know how to hide it.
Your secrets are rare and kept poorly. You love this thing so much and you could talk about it for hours.
You are painfully yet blissfully unaware. You say every thought in your head.
You flap your hands. You speak about your favorite things at length. You do not read between the lines and you probably never will.
You obsess and linger. You think the same thoughts over and over again. You listen to the same songs over and over again.
You spend a lot of time on your own. Most every time you go out into public you feel at least a little bit stressed.
Maybe for a while this was viewed as a bad thing because you knew the wrong people, this was something that was to be changed. But, you do not need to mold yourself, you do not need to pretend.

Routine visit
You think if he knew how much you thought about him he probably wouldn't sit next to you anymore.
It's one of those things that you know won't become anything else, it's something that's just the way it is.
You know it's not going to be anything, you don't think it should.
You smile at least half the time you look at him. It's hard not to linger nearby when he's around. When he talks you listen and remember because what he has to say really matters.
He's learning and growing. You sometimes forget how to be normal around him. He listens. He interupts, but you don't mind.
You think about him when you wake in the morning and are up late at night. You feel so lucky that he tells you all he has told you so far. You feel so lucky that he has walked into your life.

Friend
With him you are never too much.
Maybe you two are different by the looks of it but they know you.
He listens. They understand things you never expected them to.
He has a lot to say and you love to listen. Maybe I am not as bad as I seem. 
You love hearing about his life because it is so different from yours, often in ways you didn't know possible.
You both love writing. You both try to be better. You speak to each other with similar patterns.
He does that weird thing you do that you never told anyone about. He asks you if you are like him in this way and you realize you are not all that unique.