Moss and Mushrooms

Blue tuesdays

A miscellaneous chapter.
TW: SA undertones

Mine
It's there.
I've spent my whole life pretending like it's not. I've spent my whole life turning the other away because I can't sit with what happened.
The thing is, it did happen, and it's over now. I want to leave everything of his behind.
I can't be defined by this. He will not ruin me. I can sit with it. I can live with it. I can live a life untouched by him.
I don't know how this will end up. I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do.
I am reading articles on how I could start. I am skimming stories that are about something I might like. I am watching movie clips and trying not to judge myself for how I feel when I watch them.
I will move slowly. I will bring myself to this at a steady pace. I will try to let this be whatever it is.
I will not judge myself. I will not let myself think I am bad.
He won't take this from me. He didn't take anything from me that I can't get back.

I'm not yours
I don't belong to you, I do not belong to the memories of you.
You, everything you are, everything you did to me, it's far behind me.
You are just a man, just a boy who didn't care enough. Nothing more.
Who am I to let you define me? I won't.
I am everything but what you did to me.
I am the happiness and the growth. I am the trying and the authenticity.
I am the wanting to be better every day.
I am not the nights I was left dead but every moment of the beautiful life afterwards.

Moss
I am not clenching my fist, I am not hiding behind one thing or another.
I feel like myself, maybe for the first time.
I always wanted to be good, I think today I am good.
We'll laugh, I'll try to listen, I'll tell you the truth.
I'll pray to god to make me what I should be.
I'll smile and I'll mean it. I'm laughing and I mean it.
There's a baseline level of joy I am eternally grateful for. Within me is a summer brighter than any I'd ever known.
I want to listen to new music, I want to see my friends, I want to write about something besides the ache.
I'll enjoy my first job and messy textbooks. I will cherish the Sunday spent with my family.
I have this feeling that I am going to be okay, that someone up there knows how to help me see this to the end, that someone up there wants me to be happy.
I hide less and less. I don't have to lie to you. I don't have to lie to me. You never minded the stuffed animals, flapping hands, and lengthy rambles.
I believe I can be someone good in this world, that I have something in front of me worth fighting for.
I realize that for the first time in my life I am not holding my breath.

Monday and Tuesday
I talk to my coworkers about their life, it's light hearted and I wouldn't change a thing.
I obsess over yet another actor who will never know my name.
I text my boyfriend every day, I tell him about the little things.
I stay up late and sleep in. I drink coffee with milk and energy drinks.
I write diary entries about what happened today and what's on my mind.
I recovered my sense of smell and smelt every candle at the grocery store.
I read past diary entries, I smile a little and cringe a lot.
I pray every morning every night. I go to AA and enjoy small talk with the people there.
I write dramatic short stories inspired by my favorite songs.
I look at old poems I don't remember writing. I take a breath of relief because I don't feel that way anymore.
I let every part of myself have a place to be.

Lavender
I stay up late watching cartoons and writing in colored pencils.
I wear my shirt with a heart I embroidered on it.
I listen to the charlie brown soundtrack and stare out the car window.
I order a sugar sweet coffee and laugh with my family.
I go to the grocery store and stare at the toys.
I took a picture of the Snoopy cards.
I walk in the woods.
I can feel the sun on my skin.

Telling him
I love him, maybe more than I could ever put into words.
When I feel a warmth from within me I want to tell him, when I find the thing I have been looking for I want to tell him, when I am excited about the small things I want to tell him.
When I am alone in the rain I want to tell him, when it all feels like it's falling apart I want to tell him, when nothing makes sense I want to tell him.
I'm going to a coffee shop today. I let that part of myself out in public. I can't talk about this right now. I think I want to try something new. I wrote last night.
I bought a new stuffed animal. I'm not ready but I do think I will be. How do I do this? I am sorry. How do you always know what to say? You know me.
What do you think it will be like when we are older? Do you remember my old name? Thank you for not being angry when I forget.
I love you good night. I love you good morning.
I feel safe with him, he loves all of me, all of the ribbons and broken glass.
He is someone I know who wants me exactly the way I am, I can be anyone I am and know he will be there.

Foggy
I can't recall what I did last night, I remember seeing it was four AM but I don't know what kept me up so late.
Yesterday was last week, last week was last month, last month doesn't exist.
I don't remember writing that. I read my diaries and poems and I don't recognize them.
I wake up three days later, unsure what I have done to fill the time.
I have the synopsis rather than the chapter, I know what I did but I don't remember doing it.
"You've told me this before."