Umakoti Ngo Wethu

19

The house that night was crazy. MaRadebe arrived, so we had two tiny babies crying all night. Nthombifuti was so frustrated, and Ma was adamant about her learning how to do everything for herself. She was still learning, and ma seemed so impatient.

"Ma, let me help."
"No, litha. She has to learn."
"How is she going to learn if you keep shouting instructions down her throat instead of teaching her? If you're going to continue upsetting her, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." She looked angry. "Fine, then you help her since you're an expert." Nthombifuti started crying and ma stormed out.

"Have a seat, Nana. I'll help." She took a seat on the bed, trying to wipe her tears. I changed Mbali, but she was probably still hungry. "Here you go. Wipe your tears. You'll be okay." She did as I said. "She needs to be fed, okay?" She nodded. "I know, but I don't think I have enough milk. I already tried. She eats a lot, and I'm not making milk fast enough. She's not even a week old yet, and I'm failing."

"Nthombifuti, you're not failing. You're not. This is totally normal. We bought formula, didn't we. When Jabu was first born, I was using formula and breast milk. Here, hold her. I'll get the pacifier." She took baby girl, and I got the pacifier. While she had the baby, I went to make a bottle. "Bottle is done, but it's still hot. Give it a few more minutes."

She was still complaining, but her crying wasn't as bad. "Litha, I know how to change a nappy. I changed Jabu's all the time. Everything was just going so fast, and Ma was shouting at me and watching me like a hawk. I went blank." I felt so bad for her. "I know. I know you know. You've been an amazing aunt to Jabu. I have no doubt that you're an even better mother. Next time, you just have to take things slow. You know what you're doing."

"Litha."
"Yes?"
"I'm scared. I love her so much, but I'm scared I mess up." I knew exactly how she felt. "I know, Nana. I'm still scared. It's not going to go away. But it's good. It means you're a mother." We both chuckle. She and the baby went to sleep. "Litha, she's up." She woke me. She looked terrified.

"Okay, now we just need to figure out what she needs." She nodded, and we got up. "It's her nappy." I nodded. "Okay, you know how to do that. Take a breath and try and be calm." She did it, and she was so happy. She put her baby back to bed immediately. "My boobs feel weird."  She looked down. "I'm leaking." Her scared expression formed on her face again.

"That's fine. You have a pump." I got the pump out of the bag. "But what if I want to breastfeed her? Then I won't have any milk left again." I shook my head. "The more you use up your milk, the more you'll produce. You need to train your boobs." She giggled, and I was glad to at least see a smile.

I had another day to spend spoiling my sister, and I made the most out of it. I didn't care what anyone said. And they said a lot. They kept on going on about how Nthombifuti had to do things alone and that she needed to learn. The thing that annoyed them the most was me constantly taking her food and snacks. Nthombifuti was my baby. She still is, and I will treat her as such until the day I die.

I loved my son so much, and I was really grateful for MaKhumalo taking me in after I gave birth, but I hated how she treated me. I never said it out loud because I knew it was her way of showing love. I was young, so I needed to learn to be independent when it came to raising my child. On top of that, I was just terrible at everything, and it frustrated her. I couldn't change a nappy, I didn't know what his cries meant, I never knew if he ate enough. Sometimes, I couldn't even remember if I fed him. I got a lot better, and that's because she pushed me. I needed the push, but Nthombifuti does not function the same way I do. You can't push her too much. She needs nurturing. If you nurture her and show her love and patience, she blossoms.

I was three when Nthombifuti was born. For the first three years of Futi's life, my grandmother on my mom's side took care of us. I was six when she passed away, and Nthombifuti became my responsibility. I know her the best. She's been through a lot, so I would do anything to make her journey through motherhood smoother. I want her to have all of the love, support, and compassion I never had.