Umakoti Ngo Wethu

33

"Mamakhe, I made you breakfast." I sat up in bed. "You did what?" Jabu was still laying next to me snoring, but when he smelled the food, his eyes went open. "Here you go." He put he tray in front of me. "Thank you, my love. I've never had your food before, so I don't know what to expect." He just gave me a pointed look. "I can make eggs and bacon. Come on." He sat down with me, and we all ate.

"We're running a bit late. Do you want me to call the doctor to push our appointment." I was literally still in bed. "Um, can we do it another day? I think I just want to rest." He looked concerned but nodded. "Mamakhe, maybe you should go and see someone. Maybe we can both go." I just got out of bed and got my slippers. "Baby. It was just a suggestion."
"A suggestion I've already said no to a thousand times. Everyone is shoving this down my throat! I don't need a therapist! I'm not crazy!"

My baby boy started crying, and Jabu just looked shocked. "Sorry, boy-boy." He got up and went to his father. "Jabu." He looked away from me, and his dad comforted him. "I'll go get his bottle."
"No, sit down and take a breath, baby." I sighed but did as he said. I felt crazy.

When Jabu had his bottle, all was forgiven and forgotten, but I still felt guilty, so I spoiled him all day. I could tell Baba was worried. He wouldn't leave me alone. He reacted to every tiny sound in the house. He even jumped when there was a knock on our door. "Stay here." He went to see who it was.

"What the hell are you doing here!" I couldn't help it. I had to go check. "Baba, who is it?" The one and only MaShezi stood at our door. "MaGumede, I'm sorry. She didn't mean to. She's sick." MaShezi pleaded at the door with tears running down her face. "Get out of my doorway." She sobbed. "Baba, please. I didn't know she was like this. Baba, I'm sorry."
"MaShezi." It was the first time I noticed my mother-in-law behind her. "Let's go, sisi. Come." She said gently. "Is the baby okay?"
"Since when do you care about my children?" She seemed shocked, and I could see she decided to bite her tongue. "I was worried. If anything were to happen, it would be my fault."
"You're right..."
"The baby is doing good." I interrupted him before he could finish. "That's good. And you?"
"I'm fine." I gave her a reassuring smile. She nodded. "I'm glad. Thank you." I nodded, and she started walking away. "You're going home tomorrow. A car will come pick you up." He said, and she just nodded, accepting her fate. He shut the door loudly as they walked away.

"That woman has a nerve coming here! How dare she set a foot in my yard!" He was livid. "Baba, calm down. Please." I could see he was trying. He visibly started shaking.  "Baba." I went up to him and hugged. When I let go and looked at his face, tears had escaped his eyes. "I thought she was going to kill you. I thought she would kill you, and I couldn't do anything to protect you. I almost lost you."
"But you didn't. I'm here. I'm still here. Let's focus on that." I held him and let him cry.

That night and every night after that, the nightmares continued. I was exhausted, and so was Baba. "Where is she!" I got woken up from my afternoon nap by Nthombifuti yelling. "Where is my sister! I know something is wrong with her! I can feel it!" I got out of bed still exhausted. When I got to the living room, she was hysterical.

"I'm not hiding her. If you just let go of me, I'll go wake her." She had Baba by his shirt. "Litha! She was hysterical. "Litha!" She cries running to me. "Why haven't you been picking up your phone!" She cried. There was nothing I could do, so I just held her while she cried. "I'm fine." I tried saying. "You're not! You're not. I can feel it! I know you!" I just held her tighter. She eventually calmed down, and I let go of her.

"Litha?" He voice was soft. "What happened to your eyes? Are you sleeping?" She tried touching the bags under my eyes, but I moved away. "Litha?"
"I'm fine."
"I'm calling, ma." I grabbed her phone. "Nthombifuti, I'm fine. Stop this. I'm fine." She narrowed her eyes at me in disbelief. "Why are you doing this? Nobody is expecting you to act strong or brave. You've been through a lot. Why are you punishing yourself for that?"
"Nthombifuti, I said I'm fine. Now go home." She didn't know what to do. She sat there gaping like a fish before giving up and storming off.

"Mamakhe..."
"No, please. I can't right now."
"Okay, let's talk about something else. Your doctor's appointment. We can't keep rescheduling." I just sighed. "Baba, why do you keep nagging me about this? The baby is fine. I'm fine."
"Okay, if you're fine, let's go outside."
"Why?" I knew what he was doing. "You haven't been outside in two weeks. Let's just go stand in the yard." He grabbed me and led me to the door.

"Baba, no! Let go of me!" He got to the door and opened it. "No! No!" I shut the door and locked it. "No! It's not safe! It's not safe." I was at my breaking point. I couldn't do it. I felt so stupid that I started crying. "Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry."

In the next couple of weeks, he got a doctor to come see me at home, and we also got a midwife. I couldn't focus on anything. It was like my brain was broken. I was scared of everything and everyone.

Baba had been on the phone all morning, and I could tell something was wrong. It turns out he needed to be in the city. It took days for me to convince him to go, but the situation became so bad that he was forced to.

"Baby, I'm on my way out, but..."
"What are they doing here." MaKhumalo and my sisters looked shocked. Baba's smile dropped. "I thought you'd have a nice girls' weekend while I'm gone. They smiled, but I was not having it. "Baba, I don't need babysitters. They can go back home."
"Litha." MaKhumalo said, shocked. "I'm serious. Please go back home. I'll be fine." They looked at him, and he looked at me. I stared him down until he gave in. "Litha, at least let us stay for dinner, then we'll leave."
"No, I see what you're doing. I'm not falling for it. You can go. Thank you for coming."
"Litha, please. Why are you shutting us out? What did we do to deserve this?" I couldn't look Nthombifuti in the eye. I just bowed my head and kept quiet. She was crying as they left.

"Mamakhe, what are you doing? Your family misses you. Your sister misses you. Why are you punishing them?" I didn't answer. "You need to get on the road. I'll be okay. Jabu will sleep in our room, and I have my night light. Please go." He wanted to protest but then got an urgent message and he needed to leave.

For two days, I didn't sleep a wink. I didn't even put my lights off. By the third night, I couldn't take it anymore. I fell asleep. I dreamt that Lindiwe was strangling me. It felt so real, and there was nothing I could do to fight back or wake up. I could hear Jabu crying, but I just couldn't wake up.

"Mama!" He screamed, and I could finally get. I grabbed him, but I kept seeing shadows. I was shivering and sweating at the same time. I didn't know what to do. Jabu was crying. I was crying. I couldn't think straight. I saw my phone and grabbed it.

"Hello." I heard a tired voice. "Mama." I cried into the phone. "I'll be there in two minutes." My breathing was irregular, and I couldn't even speak properly. "Dddont. Hang. Up." Jabu was screaming so loudly. I didn't think she heard me. "Okay, baby. I'm here. I won't hang up. I'm coming, okay?" She stayed on the phone the whole way.

When she knocked, I was so scared to open the door, but I thought I saw Lindiwe's shadow and ran. "She's here! She's in the house!" Ma grabbed me and took me to the car. My father went inside with his knobkerrie. I still had Jabu in my arms. My father came back out saying there was nobody in the house. I didn't believe him.

I screamed when I saw her. "There she is! Baba, get in the car! She's going to hurt you!" They both looked extremely worried. "Baby. There's nobody there." I kept pointing to her, but they just looked at me crazy. "Baby. She's not there." Gogo and Ma... came running from across the road. "Mama! She's there! I can see her. I'm not crazy! She's right there!"
She got in the backseat with me and hugged me. "Baba, please believe me! I'm not crazy! She's right there! Lindiwe is right there! She's going hurt you if you don't get in the car! Please! Please! I'm not crazy! Baba! Get in the car!"

Why didn't they want to listen to me!
I wasn't crazy!