Umakoti Ngo Wethu

42

"That's it! I've had it. I don't care about culture or respect. I've had it!" He stormed to the door, and the yelling got louder. "Hey! Calm! Down! All of you!" His voice was terrifying. It was so terrifying that the baby started crying. "I will allow you in here if you come in quietly and sit down!" My sister's eyes were open as wide as mine. I didn't know he could do that. "Do we have an agreement? Do we!" They all agreed, and I went to check on Xolani.

When I got to his room, he soothed himself back to sleep. He loved his sleep and usually slept through noise, but we were all shocked his dad could raise his voice like that. I kissed him and went back downstairs.  "Here she is." His mother started. "Ma, try me. Try me one more time. I dare you." She bowed her head in shame. What was going on? There definitely was no more, Mr. Nice guy.

We all sat at the dining room table. I didn't know why, but I was scared. No, I was terrified. "You are my elders, and I respect you. But I'm losing more and more respect for you every day you come into my house and abuse my wife." They gasped in utter disbelief. "Abuse? Don't be ridiculous."
"You can either listen or leave because I've had it."
"Jabulani, you can't talk to us like this."

"You've said way worse to my wife." She gasped. "What in your right mind made you tell my wife if she doesn't lose weight, I'd leave her?" She struggled to answer. She just opened and closed her mouth like a fish. "That's not..."
"Save it, Ma. I've had enough. What possessed you to tie her up so tight she couldn't breathe." She looked shocked once again. "It wasn't that tight."
"Really? Really?! We had to cut her out of the cloth because none of us could untie it! She couldn't breathe! What the hell is wrong with you!"

"Jabulani, wait. She's still your mother." His uncle said. "I'm not so sure of that because I don't recognize the woman sitting in front of me."
"Jabu." She said softly with tears welling up in her eyes. "Ma, I'm serious. I don't recognize you. I've watched you hurt Litha over and over again, and I hate that I haven't done this earlier. Why do you not realize what you're doing is wrong?" Her and I both had tears in our eyes. "I didn't mean to. I just wanted to be involved this time. I wanted to do everything right. MaKhumalo's stories about after jabu was born were scary, and Litha just came out of a mental hospital. I couldn't let that happen to another grandson."

I was shocked. "Ma? What have you been telling her?" I asked in disbelief. Tears were running down my face. "Litha, you had postpartum depression. You were a complete mess. You could hardly get out of bed or produce milk." I just shook my head with tears running down my face. "Ma, why are you being this heartless?" The room fell silent as I wiped my tears. "You know what happened around Jabu's birth. I was young, and for the lack of a better word, my mother was abusing me! She abused me, isolated me from anyone who could help, and then when I came home with the baby, she threw me out of the house with nothing and a newborn baby. Who the hell wouldn't be depressed? Now you're making it seem like I somehow hated my baby when my baby was the only thing that pulled me out of my depression because you sure didn't help."

My father sat there with wide eyes looking between his wife and I. "Litha, you needed tough love at the time." She tried giving me a soft smile. "Would it have killed you to be more compassionate? I needed love. I needed someone to support me. I needed someone to say you're doing a good job. That's what I needed. Not someone who kept telling me what I was doing wrong. Why do you think it was so easy for me to go back to my mother's house where I was getting used as a boxing bag?" Both my parents sat there crying silently.

"But I have everything I need here in my home. I have peace. I have joy, love, and support. I don't need this nonsense from both of you. Ma." I turned to MaMthembu. "You were not there. You don't get an opinion on that part of my life. You don't get to assume I would ever hurt my child."
"Litha, I...."
"No, this nonsense stops today. Stop telling me about the damn mental hospital. Me, being there, had nothing to do with my children. A woman came to my house and tried to kill me. I was traumatized. I went there to get help for my children. Not because of my children. I won't stand by while you and my mother tarnish my name."

Everyone was in tears. "Litha, I'm sorry. I just thought it was the best way to teach you how to be a good mother. It's how we were taught and we couldn't complain." They looked at each other and nodded as if that was an excuse. "And did you enjoy the experience?" They shook their heads in shame. "So why would you do the same thing to me? Someone you claim to love as a daughter?" The both of them had more tears running from their eyes. "I'm sorry, baby."
"I am too. I didn't mean to hurt you."

I needed those words. I did, but they didn't make everything right. "I don't want you to visit me anymore. Don't come here trying to dictate to me how to be a mother. I don't want you in my home for now. When I feel ready, I'll bring the boys to visit you individually at your homes. Please, I just need peace."

"Litha,please."
"No, Ma. Leave Litha alone. When we feel ready we'll come to you." Baba backed me. "I think that's the end of our meeting. You may go now." They looked around the room, and their husband's realized we were being serious. They stood up and took their wives and left. I couldn't keep it in anymore. It was like someone pulled the plug on my tears, and they all came spilling out. Baba took me to our bedroom and just held and comforted me as I cried.