On Tour [HS]

Twenty Two

Love On Tour

Warning: panic attack and throwing up

I've always dreamed of visiting Vienna. The name of the city firstly intrigued me, it's such a beautiful name for a place and it's always stood out as a capital for a country I've always wanted to visit. When Harry was showing me the schedule Vienna was the place that stood out the most from all the European cities, it captured my attention and it happened to be the only place I remembered.

We landed here last night, everyone was exhausted. Harry kept the kids and I close as we navigated through the airport before being greeted by a swarm of paparazzi waiting outside the doors. The ordeal was terrifying and not the best way to start the first hour in the city, we ended up having to be snuck out a different exit and escorted to our hotel to keep safe. It scared Romeo, all the bright white flashing lights and the loud shouts but Harry was so comforting and promised we would not be walking out there.

That was my first ever interaction with paps and I can safely say I don't want another, especially not when our two young children are with us even if Mabel did sleep through the entire thing happily in her carseat. We were staying in a large hotel, quite a few floors up and they provided a small foldout bed so Romeo could sleep in the same room but have his own space along with Mabel in her travel cot.

Travelling with little kids is tougher than I expected, it's the little things I didn't really think about like how unsettled Mabel gets because she doesn't have a home smell that she recognises and feels safe with. She relies solely on Harry and I to bring her a sense of safety, she's a baby and that's all she understands because our words of comfort don't mean anything to her young mind.

I still don't know what will happen at the end of the tour, I haven't really thought much about it but it's scary knowing I don't exactly have a home to go back to and that all my belongings are in a house with a man who most likely would destroy them to break my heart even more. I'm grateful that Harry, my dad and even Niall went round there before we left and gathered a lot of things of importance such as Romeo's baby things, pictures and my prized possessions. I have a couple months to relax and not think about my return back to Manchester but knowing we're going back in December for Romeo's birthday and Christmas is scary, my parents have said their home is open for us forever but it's still not the same as having a home. My own home for my kids to grow up in.

Since having Romeo I just wanted to be able to provide the best for him and between losing my job towards the beginning of my pregnancy due to how ill I was and then Lucas holding that above me and refusing to help me out financially despite earning more than triple I ever did I was kinda set up for failure.

Money was a big argument in the house, I couldn't work because I was practically bedridden during my pregnancy, extremely ill and had zero energy so Lucas used that to his advantage. He ended up helping me with money but not without forcing me to do stuff in exchange for it, when he then realised he could hold that over my head he refused to let me get another job when Romeo was a few months old. It was always about control and how much he had over me.