On Tour [HS]

Seventy Eight

Love
9 October - England

Healing is a new sensation I don't think I've ever comprehended in my entire life. Almost thirty years into my existence all the torment and pain has built up inside my being like a vessel only used to contain thoughts of negativity, it's filled my body like a bad taste in my mouth but now I can sit here and everything is gone.

But not in the way I'd hoped for my entire life.

The only way to get closure from both Peter and Lucas was to be trapped in a vicious cycle of emotional and physical torture that only led to more trauma tainting my mind. I haven't seen them since I ran, the way they chased after the car I stole from them in the hopes of reeling me back into their clutches. I have no idea what their intentions were in the long run, after keeping us both for so many days I wondered if it would last forever and no one would find us which is why I took matters into my own hands. Especially after they broke Niall's arm in such a painful and traumatic way, I knew I couldn't let him suffer any longer.

But those memories fly around my mind constantly, I can't escape them like my body has left that room but my soul has been abandoned there behind the police tape and investigators trying to understand how we went unnoticed.

Everyone's trying so hard to make my life easier, they want to help in any way possible and I just can't find any part of me that wants to feel like a child who needs help. I know that's not where their intentions lie and it's hard not being able to simply go back to normal, especially with the kids.

Harry's trying his hardest to keep everything composed and hoping his simple presence is something that can fix the hardships I suffer from but I can feel a wedge growing between us every day. From changing in the bathroom, showering alone, not allowing him to help me check my injuries and not cuddling in bed, we've been disconnected and it makes me feel sick.

I never wanted the disconnection to return with Harry after it plagued our relationship in the early stages of my pregnancy with Vienna; our communication was put to the test and we came out on top of the world only to succumb to the same fate almost a year later.

I keep reminding myself that how I'm feeling isn't my fault, that I haven't done anything wrong but when there's a loud noise making me jump or someone touches me suddenly I find myself completely submerged back in the cage I had been locked in.

Niall seems to be doing a lot better though, he doesn't let me in on a lot of how he's feeling but after a small heart-to-heart one night when Harry passed out in bed early, I was reminded that he knew these men for a matter of days and he's only dealing with that torture. He reminded me that I'm dealing with the ending of abuse after decades of being tormented, all that pain and suffering has come to a close.

I've never been given the opportunity to heal, it's been one thing after another in my life and I've only just gotten around to comprehending losing Eloise. It's a curveball I never thought I'd be thrown, trying to push everything down is how I've coped for the majority of my life and now there's no option for it to spill out into the atmosphere.