On Tour [HS]

Thirty Seven

Love On Tour

Warning: through the next few chapters there will be heavy thoughts/discussions about deciding whether to keep a pregnancy and abortion. I will include this warning above the next few chapters <3

I never wanted to pick myself up from the bathroom floor. I wanted to curl into a ball and lay on the tiles in a puddle of my tears in the hopes they would somehow solve the problem currently presented. The arms tight around my body stopped me from being able to fall into a heap on the ground like I'd wanted to, he didn't speak a single word, just let the occasional kiss be placed on my forehead almost as a reminder that he was still here.

The shower continued to hammer down in the background, wasting so much water, but neither of us dared to move. It was like our bodies were commanded to the ground, the world too big for us to ever be able to climb back up and conquer.

I've been squished into the tiles, my soul crushed, yet the only part of my body I feel remotely connected to. I can't feel the rest of my body. It's like my brain is no longer attached and I've been completely betrayed.

It's stupid. We were stupid and reckless. What did I expect to happen having unprotected sex? Why did the thought never cross my mind when we started sleeping together? It's my fault this has all happened. I don't have the right to be angry or upset when my actions have directly caused this. If we'd been more careful, if we'd had a conversation, then the outcome would've been completely different.

I feel so stupid but I feel guilty for feeling that way. Everything is so out of shape, so wrong, and my mind physically can't be wrapped around the reality presented to me. I'm pregnant, I'm actually pregnant and all I've said throughout this scare is that I'm not ready for a third child just yet. I just needed time, yet I've not been given that instead I have this massive, terrifying choice to make and not enough time to even think.

Part of me never wants to speak to Harry about this, to just ignore the fact I'm pregnant until I'm forced to be faced with reality and I need to fully accept what's going on.

Everything makes sense now with the positive result. The sickness, the food aversions, the extreme craving for garlic bread that I had through both my pregnancies, along with slight exhaustion and headaches. It's all finally falling into place except for that final puzzle piece which is what to do about this. What should I do?

I'm scared for my body. Mabel is almost four months old, which means my body is still healing and recovering from the pregnancy and birth. I feel the need to grab my phone and frantically research every single thing about pregnancies that are close together. There is a lingering reminder that I don't have to keep this pregnancy if I'm worried for myself, my health, and my mental well-being.

That needs to be our conversation but I can't form the sentences quite yet. I need some time to gather myself and maybe even speak to my mum when she arrives in Italy tomorrow. It's a big scary decision and I'm terrified for myself.