On Tour [HS]

Thirty One

Love On Tour

"I don't know why I'm so nervous." I exhale shakily, peeking up at Harry as he gently rocks a very irritated and whiny Mabel in his arms.

Knowing I'm going to the apartment Eloise lived in, the home that she loved and made into her own and her belongings still remain on show makes me incredibly nervous. Nervous about my mental health and the way I'll end up reacting to being immersed back into the space I spent a lot of my childhood and teen years bonding with my older sister through hard times.

She was always there for me and gave me the spare bedroom so I had an escape from our family because she knew how much our mother and her then-boyfriend affected me, she hated watching my mental health decline at the hands of a horrible man. There was nothing she could really do except give me a safe space, I'm sure that room still remains untouched, I never went back in there after she passed and I assume Nolan just left it be.

He seems to have gained this fear of upsetting his lost love, that if he changed anything in their shared home she'd hate him for it, leading him down the path of isolation. Never making new friends, not accepting promotions in his career or interacting with anyone he didn't know when Eloise was alive, losing her truly crushed a deep part of him and I genuinely believe he'll never grieve her healthily. It's been ten years and that's a fucking long time.

I've always felt awful for him and at fault that he lost Eloise. I often find myself imagining what their life would've been like, they'd be married and probably parents to two or three cute little kids. Eloise always said she was sure she'd have two little boys and then a girl accidentally a few years later despite wanting to have two little girls so they could grow up like her and I.

"Your mind is reeling, Winnie." He replies, "you're shaking so bad, please sit down for a second."

Listening to him knowing he's just trying to help, I move back over to my childhood bed and take a seat on the edge; my legs continuing to bounce nervously. He's rocking Mabel who continues to whine angrily in his arms across the room, blowing irritated raspberries up at him like she's attempting to argue.

When I breathe out it turns into a soft-sounding whine vibrating up the back of my throat, hating how nervous I've worked myself up to be. I can't stop the shake in my hands, clasping them together in my lap in the hopes of stopping it, tilting my head towards the ceiling and inhaling as deeply as possible but keeping that air trapped in my lungs until I feel slightly lightheaded.

The mattress dips as Harry takes a seat beside me, "you need to take some deep breaths, Win." He whispers, trying to keep quiet peace between us but our daughter is clearly determined to ruin it. "Relax your mind, try to stop thinking so deeply."

That's a lot easier said than done. How does one turn their mind off and stop the floods of thoughts from overflowing? It's like trying to fill a cup with water but as soon as you get the rusty tap on and the water is flying out the faucet you realise your mistake, unable to get it to shut off and the cup continues to overflow so overwhelming that you give up just allowing everything to take over. Currently, my thoughts have been turned on and there's no one strong enough to yank the tap shut, the water just needs to run its course until it somehow runs out.