It's Murder at the Buy-Right

45

 "Foslo! If I live through this, I'm gonna kill you!"

"Don't think of it as jumping out of a plane, Daisy Ann. Think of it as flying like a bird."

"I'm an ostrich in a red suit," she said.

"Ostriches don't fly," Foslo said.

"Exactly."

"Oh, sweetheart, just relax. And remember to breathe! Your belly will hurt. You'll tense up."

"Foslo! Do I need a reason for all that besides not breathing?"

"Relax, Daisy Ann. Scream when you exit the plane. It will force you to breathe."

"And I don't need a reason to scream, believe me!"

The wind was ripping through the Santa suit. Daisy Ann's teeth were chattering so fiercely, she was sure she'd have nothing but crumbs left in her mouth.

Crumbs and gums.

"Foslo, I must have been suffering from a moment of arterial insufficiency of the brain to let you talk me into this."

"Don't worry," Foslo yelled over the clackity-clack of the small plane's engine. "Remember how we practiced it in the shed. Jump. Count to ten and pull the rip chord. Piece a cake!"

"Piece a cake my fat fanny! If I live through this Foslo! If I live . . ."

Foslo just laughed. Daisy Ann couldn't help but smile back at him. If he wasn't about the most handsome fellow she'd ever dated.

Just then, the plane flew through some chop, as Foslo called it.

Daisy Ann's lips turned purple. They were coming up on the Buy-Right. There was a mob in the parking lot. It looked like half the state was there.

Tiny, Daisy Ann thought. They look like ants. And look how small the roof looks!

"You 'bout ready?"

"No. Look can we talk about this for a minute?"

"No."

"Are you ready?"

Daisy Ann looked at the growing crowd. So many of them were children. Their faces were shining up to her like small candle lights.

"As ready to meet my Maker as a gal can get!"

"Just relax. Remember, I'll put you right over the roof. You can't miss."

Daisy Ann's stomach was oozing out of her toenails.

"NOW!" he yelled.

She closed her eyes and jumped.

She counted and pulled the chord.

Nothing happened.

She was falling from the sky like a rock. How many seconds before splat?

It was definitely time to panic.

No wait.

Something was happening. She heard the slurring voices coming from the speaker. Santa sounded drunk. And who was the other guy who was butting into his conversation?

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry case for constructing multidimensional Ho! Ho! partner Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! ships in a Christmas univer Ho! sity set Ho! ting Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!

The tapes were all messed up with Foslo's daughter's college lectures. Everything was moving in slow motion.

It was like watching a horror movie while Santa tripped out on hot chocolate and homemade cookies.

Wrong string!

Daisy Ann's fingers clawed at the suit. She located the ring that Foslo had sewn into the other side of the suit and pulled as hard as she could.

The parachute blossomed opened, and she felt the jerk the momentary upward feeling as it delayed her descent.

I should be smiling, she thought. Santa is jolly.

Oh, who cares. Nobody can see teeth in this tangle of cotton wool beard and hair.

This is it! This is it! This is it!

Prepare to meet your Maker. I'm too young to die, God. Really.

The faces stared up at her were full of wonder and suspense. They were enjoying themselves. It was like the Romans at the coliseum just before the wild animals are let loose on the gladiator, she thought.

The big black roof of the Buy-Right loomed larger and larger. The huge gift-wrapped boxes were piled high.

The shopping buggies tied up in a line sparkled, and the little white lights she and Grit had laced all over them twinkled like miniature stars.

For a second, it looked like she might pull it off.

***

The crowd watched. Nobody moved a muscle.

Would Santa make it?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

"Oh, nooooo," Daisy Ann screamed.

She felt, rather than heard, the collective gasp below.

The wind picked up. Her body was sent sideways. The parachute was drifting off course.

For one brief instant, Daisy Ann was certain she was going to be a large grease spot in the Buy-Right parking lot.