Silver Lining [Mick Schumacher]

The Grudge

"And I say I don't care, I say that I'm fine
But you know I can't let it go
I've tried, I've tried, I've tried for so long
It takes strength to forgive, but I don't feel strong."
The Grudge; Olivia Rodrigo

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Samael,

   I hate that even when you are dead, I am still giving you the satisfaction of being in control of my mind. I try to be tough, but it takes so much of my energy when all I want is to hold a grudge. I want to scream at you and kiss your face with an uppercut. I want to key your car, the one you never had. I want to stomp on your heart until it shatters into a million pieces so you know what it is like, to understand the damage you've done. I want to meet your mom, whose name I don't even know, and tell her how much her son sucked. How big of an insecure and unhappy man she raised. You thought I deserved only the worst in the world, but it was you the whole time. Taylor Swift once said that karma's real. Now I know she was right because look who is here and who's not. In fact, I am glad you are dead. I hope it was a slow, torturing, agonizing death surrounded by filth, rats, and your own blood.
  I still see you in my dreams, the biggest mistake of my life pretending to be some luscious illicit affair. Sweet yet forbidden paradise I should dive in, or I am missing out. There was something so riveting about you, impossible to resist. I was in my innocence, looking for a friend, but got someone who let me down again. You knew I knew nothing about life, you knew I would praise whatever picture of love you would paint me. You took advantage of my inexperience, of my desperate search for love. Master manipulator dresses as a savior. Classic.
   I gave you the best of me, all my dreams, the endless empathy through thick and thin, every ounce of hope, only to watch you crush it mercilessly. You betrayed my profound trust, leaving the confusion lingering in me. Was it my fault? Should I apologize? How can I fix it? Because every time I feel insecure and not good enough for anyone, it's your voice telling me the poisonous lies that look like truths. It's your voice telling me how much of a foolish foolish silly little girl I am. That I am too young, too soft, too much, too little...
   How could you do it with such an ease? How could you lie to me without flinching? I found this ability of yours fascinating. Not once did you feel bad, as if it was empowering you.
   Now that I am older, I think that I can understand you a bit better. You were broken, and I realized there was a boy behind the man who left me with emotional bruises. The boy who taught me some valuable lessons without intending to do so. You were no god walking around, you had no right acting as if everything was my fault. How I wish I told you the arguments I used while fighting with you in my head.
    Several times, I have asked myself: What the hell am I still doing here? Why was I with someone who never failed to mention how easily he could have someone else? In fact, I should have felt grateful to be the love of your life. Who treats their partner like this? But it was the short-lived moments when everything was going right and smoothly, that's what I lived for. That is why I kept resurrecting this love even if I couldn't find the pulse. When I stupidly thought it was so good between us, you found a way to wreck it. You would start an argument just for the hell of it. You never liked it when it was nice. Man, you despised it with passion. It was the mix of ego and temper that made you the way you were. You always wanted to start a fight, you lived for the drama. In the end, I did too. I smelled the roses drowned in vitriol as if it was the most wondrous scent of them all. See? After everything you did to me, I still struggle to be mean to you. There will always be a part of me that worships you, no matter how deep down I will shove it. Love's never logical. Most of the time, it's even embarrassing. But now that I accepted all of this, I can work with it. I admit, we both hurt people, we both drew blood, but damn, the cuts we caused were never equal.
   I forgive you, Samael. But I won't forget. That takes strength, and I don't think I'm there yet. It's still a long way to go, but this is a start. I'm sure that if I told you all of this in person, even if I poured out my heart, you wouldn't care. You never did. I wished you would, but that was only a little fantasy of mine that never came true. And do you know what? It's fine. I'll feel like it one day too, and it will be overwhelmingly liberating. Long live the king of nothing who thought he had everything. The naive girl is no longer naive.