Sinner

Chapter 22

Ryan gets off the bed and heads towards the door to the bedroom. Is he leaving me?

Suddenly he swings his fist and it penetrates the wall next to the door. I jump out of my skin at his reaction. "THAT MOTHER FUCKER!" Ryan yells.

I start shaking, honestly scared at Ryan's violent reaction. He won't hurt me, he won't hurt me, I repeat in my head but I don't believe it. It's the same thing I told myself about D-Trix.

Ryan turns to me with a look of such piercing anger that I let out a cry. His face immediately softens at the sound of my voice.

"Ashley I swear I'm not angry at you. This is all towards Sandoval. I would never hurt you" Ryan says.

We share a look. It's bullshit. He already has.

"I mean never again" Ryan quickly spits out with a frown in between his brows.

"When I came hear I was willing to stay silent to protect my family that I hadn't seen in a decade. Even if that meant physical abuse. It's not that I'm afraid of. It's the sexual abuse" I say after four seconds of silence.

"I would NEVER abuse you in any way Ashley, now that I know you" Ryan says.

"You don't know anything!" I yell.

"Then tell me!" Ryan exclaims, his hands coming up to his hair and tugging harshly in frustration.

I jump again at his loud volume.

"Ashley please believe me" Ryan begs in a soft voice.

I stare at him, questioning what I should do.

"Please Ashley! I regret every second of what I did to you when you came here. You know that. I'll never hurt you ever again. Please tell me about Dom" Ryan begs and I notice that tears have started to come down his face. He isn't lying.

"What's the point? It'll only make you angrier and you'll want to kill him more" I say.

"True" Ryan says.

"We need him alive" I say.

"Everyone needs him dead" Ryan backfires.

"Or locked away, so he can still be vital to saving other lives" I say.

"Well I need him dead" Ryan says.

"No you don't" I say.

Ryan seems to be captivated with the floor, not looking at me anymore.

"Fine. When we go on this mission I will not kill him. Only if it's necessary" Ryan says but I'm smart enough to know it probably isn't true. I decide to leave it alone for now.

"Please tell me what happened" Ryan asks with an extremely soft voice. His eyes search mine desperately.

"Okay" I say and Ryan sits down next to me on the bed.

I start my story. "It was recent. About a month ago. Dom had never sexually abused me before. I was thankful for that because I knew how rare that was in a situation where a male captures a female. I had never really been physically abused by him either. Sometimes he would flick me to piss me off, but other than that he dominated me with threats. Flash forward to a month ago, I had found the bomb we would use to... you know. And I had ordered it, this was all while Dom was watching closely over my shoulder. He knew I was dreading every action I was taking. He didn't think I would do it. But I did. A couple days later the package arrived in the mail room. Dom was away doing God-knows-what. The other S.I.N.S. were busy working on their missions. I was pretty much alone when I walked by the room and saw it. I knew exactly what it was. I took the package and decided to hide it in my room. Lie to Dom when he asks where it was. I hid it under my bed... there weren't that many places in my small bedroom. Anyway, a couple of days later Dom was getting anxious. He knew that it should have arrived by then. He came into my room and asked, 'Where's this package you ordered, Einstein?' I told him I had no clue. That it probably got lost on its way there. But my eyes did that stupid thing where when someone asks where something is, they involuntarily look at exactly where it is. Dom bent down to look under my bed. I thought about running out of the room then, but how far would I actually get? Plus all I had known by then were Dom's threats about my family. Not about hurting me. I started to shake when Dom pulled out the package from under my bed and stood up. He set it down on my desk in complete silence. It was the scariest silence I had ever not heard. Then Dom walked over to me and harshly shoved me. I fell onto my bed and..." I trail off.

"Ashley, I'm so sorry I couldn't stop this" Ryan says and puts him arms around me, hugging me tightly.

"It's not your fault, Ryan" I confirm.

Ryan continues as if he hadn't heard me say anything. "To think I was blaming you for this. To think I actually beat you when I thought this was your fault. You got raped trying to stop this from happening!" Ryan exclaims and buries his face in my neck. I can feel his tears slide down my neck. I'm so surprised at his outburst.

"And excluding when Dom raped you, I was the first person to physically abuse you. To punch you. Kick you..." Ryan says in hysterics.

"You didn't know... It was your job" I try to comfort him.

"My job isn't to hurt people! It's to question them!" he exclaims.

"Ryan please stop!" I beg. Him crying isn't getting us anywhere.

Ryan pushes himself off of me and rubs his tear stained face.

"We've been through this. What happened is in the past. I know you're never going to hurt me" I say.

"But Ashley... The way you looked at me a minute ago. Like I was actually going to do something without your consent" he says.

"I just... I just had a flashback to Dom. That was the only time I had even had sex so that's the only thing I know" I explain.

Something seems to click in Ryan's mind and his fists clench. "Of course it was your first time. Who else could you have done it with? You were taken at such a young age" Ryan asks rhetorically.

"Now that you know, can we move past it? I'm trying to move on" I say.

"I want you to trust me though. If we continue our relationship you need to trust me. You need to know I'd never hurt you" he says.

"I know. You've proved that to me now" I say and grab his hand and squeeze it.

"I love you Ashley so much" Ryan says and hugs me once more.

"I love you too, more than anything" I say.

Ryan sighs happily. "Thank you for telling me" he says.

"Thank you for caring" I say with a nod.

Ryan stands up. "I'm gonna take a shower" he says.

"I'll join you" I say.

"What?!" Ryan asks shocked.

"Joking!" I say and fall back on his bed in laughter.

A huge grin spreads on Ryan's face. Wrinkles form around his eyes. I don't think I've ever been more thankful to have a photographic memory. I can keep this picture in my head forever.

Ryan reaches out a hand to me and I take it. He pulls me off the bed and I wrap my arms around him, savoring the moment.

"Let's stay like this" I say.

"I'm starting to smell" Ryan says ruining the moment but we both laugh.

I sniff his shirt. "Alright. Fine. I'm going back to my apartment to shower too. Meet me there for dinner?" I ask.

"It's a date" Ryan says.

I start backing away from him. "Alright see you soon" I say.

He smiles and nods. "See you."

I turn around to walk out of his bedroom and then his apartment, thankful that someone could make me so happy after my awful past.