A Bridge Over Troubled Waters

Patty Duke's Commission

[Author's note: Some of this information was covered earlier.  However, I wrote various essays over quite the time span.  Besides, remembering events at different times can emphasize different details, plus give me a deeper perspective on my own experiences.]   Edited 12/14/2023

Introduction

I'm making it no secret that I've been diagnosed as having "autism spectrum disorder."  Also, no secret is that I'm a US Navy veteran.  If I have the dates correct, I was diagnosed with autism at the age of 55.  This implies that I had undiagnosed autism while I was in the military.

What I've determined for myself is that I'm closer to the Asperger's syndrome part of the spectrum.  You might find it curious that I felt it necessary to narrow my own diagnosis!  As in, why didn't a professional do it?  Well...

Who knows?  And who cares??

I REALLY want to meet this "who" character! :)

Any-who...

This month (May of 2021) Wattpad™ has issued a challenge concerning mental health.  I plan to make multiple entries.  What I would like to do is to reserve a place to consolidate these entries.  Hence, this particular document.

Additionally, I have a commission to uphold.  A very specific commission.  One problem is that I've chosen to write under a pseudonym.  Therefore, some people may be able to guess my real name.  Oh!  Well!

However, comma, I have met quite a few people with various mild to severe mental health issues.  Sometimes I may refer to some of them.  They certainly deserve their privacy!  By being at times nonspecific (or even cryptic) some of what I've learned from them can be passed on.

I've encountered troubled veterans, paranoids, schizophrenics, bipolars, multiple personalities, et cetera.  I've had a variety of different mental health diagnoses myself.  This includes bipolar, but just not by that specific name.

How this relates to Patty Duke is that she was bipolar, also known as manic depressive.

[Most to all of this next part was a long time before "autism" was even suggested: possibly over 20 years.]

With myself, I can certainly say that depression was my first major mental health issue that caught my attention.  As a teenager, I even developed a varying fascination with suicide.  Perhaps others noticed more Asperger's like symptoms in me first.  I'm thinking that the manic part of bipolar was a later development.  Which is to say, the more obvious manic symptoms.

What I deduced during group therapy for bipolars was that my depression and my mania cycled at different rates.  This pattern implied to me that I spent a significant amount of my life being manic and depressed — at the same time!  [😶] 

[⁋] This was a long time before I learned that mixed states were even formally recognized as a psychiatric possibility.  Understandably, this was both intriguing and confusing!

After all, weren't depression and mania literally "polar" opposites?  Hence, how could they possibly coexist?  How to communicate this quandary in any understandable way?  I lacked the vocabulary to be specific about something that seemed impossible!  How could I communicate my symptoms to even myself, let alone a mental health professional?

At the same time, it was sort of nifty, peachy, keen!  I really was different, even amongst my peers!

When I got invited to a fundraiser whereat Patty Duke was the keynote speaker, I accepted.  (In fact, somebody else paid my way without even asking me first.)  When I learned that Patty Duke was bipolar, I became quite attentive.  Here was somebody who had a similar diagnosis to my own and was articulate enough to both write about it and to give speeches about it!

When it came to the question-and-answer period, I noticed that people asked her one question apiece.  Well...!

I asked her two!

1 question: I mentioned that bipolar was part of my diagnosis.  (I didn't mention the other part.)  Then I asked if she had ever experienced mania and depression at once.  (I wish that I remembered precisely how I had worded this!)

She looked perhaps a bit confused by the question.  Even so, she replied in the negative.

2 question: I mentioned that I had considered writing autobiographically about my experiences.  But I was unsure.  (Again, I wish that I remembered my words more precisely.)

Her reply was definitely in the affirmative!

I stayed around after the book signing part of the program.  Not having any money on me, I didn't buy one of her books.  Nor did I even ask for her autograph.  What I received instead was infinitely more precious.

After almost everyone else had left, I quietly approached Patty.

She said a few things.  Then she reaffirmed that I should write my story — because it might help someone.

And then she gave me a hug.  It made me feel...

Human.

When I eventually wrote that book years later, it took me about two years.  However, it was in episodes of stream of consciousness.  I even recorded the dates of editing each segment.  If I felt like writing a letter to, say, a celebrity (even the Pope), it went in that book!

Whatever came to mind that seemed either logically tied to my purpose, or illogically tied to it...

It went into that book!

When I was done, I considered the results to be utterly unprintable.  Over time, I "accidentally on purpose?" lost track of the document.  I realized much later that what I had written was more of a literary self-portrait than an autobiography.

For this particular project, I plan to be to be more focused but less judgmental.  Whether or not this will be any more, or any less, autobiographical...

That remains to be seen.

What I do promise to be is human.