Unsettled/Disillusioned

Chapter 6: the Lightsaber

"Jaro Tapal. Trilla Suduri. Eno Cordova. Cere Junda. Jaro Tapal. Trilla Suduri. Eno Cordova. Cere Junda."

After a long day, Kallus found Cal meditating on the floor again, ginger hair damp from the refresher, repeating those names again like a prayer. BD-1 sat beside him once again, his visual receptors trained squarely on the man's scarred face. Kallus felt like the more he saw of Cal, more layers of mystery kept piling onto him. As a former ISB agent his job was to uncover mysteries, expose Jedi.
He needed to know more about Cal to satisfy his curiosity.

"I hope I'm not intruding," Kallus said quietly, setting his datapad onto the desk. Yeah, Rex wasn't getting this report on time at all, Kallus thought, "but what are those names you keep repeating?"

Cal rolled his shoulders as a smile crept onto his face, "Not at all, Kallus," Cal opened his eyes, the lids heavy from the day but still bright, "they're Jedi that have helped me find my path. I wouldn't be the Jedi I am today without them." BD-1 whistled, then carefully crawled into Cal's lap, whom he started petting him like one would a tooka. "Yes, BD, I wouldn't be a Jedi without your help either." He said with a gentle laugh. After a breath, he spoke to Kallus again, "I can tell you more if you want?"

"If it's private I don't-" Kallus stammered, suddenly realising maybe he shouldn't let his curiosity get the better of him.

"It's quite alright. If I tell you their story then... more people can remember them. Even if they're... gone... as long as I carry them in my heart, they've never truly left. Right?"

"Right," Kallus said. The realisation that Cal would trust him with their story, to carry them with him as well was an esteemed honour.

Still kneeling in his spot, Cal raised one hand and called his lightsaber to his palm. Like he did before, Cal disassembled the lightsaber, rearranging the parts before them. Kallus noticed that unlike Kanan's lightsaber, united in material and aesthetics, Cal's reminded him of Ezra's lightsaber; a hodgepodge of different materials and parts. When Cal rearranged and shuffled the pieces, he grouped them into four main categories. They were all floating in the quiet air.

"Master Tapal, he was my first Master. Stern, but gentle when he needed to be. He sacrificed himself during the Purge to save me... and with his last breath he gave me his lightsaber," Cal pointed to the large finned emitter, quillons and one half of a sleeve, the one with a rubber grip.

"Master Cordova was a mysterious archeologist as well. He saw a vision of the Purge so he left a quest for a Jedi to restore the Order in its aftermath," the switch with the engraved rounded squares, a pommel with a D-clip and a small hollow cylinder floated together in front of Cal, "he was BD-1's first Master too. Taking on Master Cordova's quest was our first adventure together," Cal smiled at the little droid.

Then, he lifted a set of black components. With a flick of his wrist, a black and silver ring revealed itself, joining the two components in a full circle.

"Trilla Suduri was captured by the Empire and tortured until she lost herself to anger, pain and self-loathing, an Inquisitor," Cal whispered, "she was Cere's first Padawan, my mentor after Master Tapal. In a different time, we could have been considered siblings or cousins. We challenged each other, racing each other to the end goal of Master Cordova's quest. I wish I could have done more for her."

Last were another grip, the one with a leather strap, another switch, another D-clip and another piece that looked like a bell. The pieces wavered in the air as Cal lifted them, "Cere was..." Cal stumbled, the words caught in his throat. He took a breath and started again. "Cere saved my life on Bracca. Let me walk my own path when I needed to. She Knighted me when I was ready. She taught me what it truly meant to be a Jedi. She ..."
With a wave of his hands, the pieces quickly formed into their orderly line again and joined together once more. He held it tight against his chest, knuckles white on the grips. BD-1 scampered up from Cal's lap over his shoulder and onto his back where the little droid whirred quietly, his little metal feet slightly squeezing the Jedi's shoulders.

"I'm sorry, I thought I was ready to talk about her."

"Don't be sorry Cal. I've only heard third-hand from Zeb who heard from Hera, what happened to Kanan. I've never heard the name of his Master before today. The Empire had taken so much from you, but it's amazing what you've done. You're carrying them with you on your journeys, I'm sure they'd be proud," Kallus said, hoping his words would offer the Jedi comfort. "Thank you for telling me about them. Do you want me to share their story with the rest of the Ghost crew?"

"Sure. The more people know, the more of a chance their memory will outlast the Empire, right?" Cal grinned, a small laugh escaped his lips though his head hung heavy on his shoulders, his hair fell limply over his eyes.

"Of course their memory will outlast the Empire, Cal," Kallus said. "Your lightsaber has a heart, people fight to protect those. The Empire doesn't have a heart or even a culture worth fighting for, only dying for until people finally break away."

Cal blinked his eyes and forced a smile onto his face, "you're a good man, Alexsandr Kallus. Takes a lot of courage and insight to question and finally see at its core, the institutions we've dedicated our lives to. I'm glad you left the ISB to join the Rebellion."

"Best decision of my life," Kallus said truthfully. He hesitated, but the words itched on his lips, "I know you said you had to step away from the fight, but-"

"No, I'm sorry, Kallus," Cal cut him off and shook his head, "I've heard what the others around here say about me. Kanan and Commander Sato asked me too. Joining the Rebellion may have been your best decision, but leaving the fight was mine. I have a different path."

Kallus swallowed, "I understand."

With a nod, Cal set the lightsaber hilt down with his things and sank back into his kneeling position again, saying the names over and over before he'd go to sleep. Kallus felt somewhat subdued that Cal had dismissed him, but he still went to sleep hours later with a warm feeling in his heart, happy that Cal had shared his lightsaber's story with him as he'd assumed Zeb had shared Kallus' story, too.