Unsettled/Disillusioned

Chapter 23: the Tragedy

Kanan tried to understand what happened. Ezra and Chopper came by with some warm space waffles for them both and tools for Cal. After some tinkering with BD, the droid urged Cal to eat so he could get some rest. For a long while, the only sound in the room was Cal carefully and meticulously cutting his food into small pieces and desperately trying to keep his food down. Kanan could sense his nebula of stars again, strained, like he had put up walls in the Force between them. Kanan tried to speak up again, "do you want to talk about what happened in the escape p—"

"No," came a stern reply. Kanan tried not to show his hurt.

"I'm here, okay?" Kanan whispered into the cool air of hyperspace, his words nearly drowned out by the void between them, "You can talk to me, or don't talk to me... but I'm here," he offered. He brushed gently against Cal's walls with his own aura, trying to connect to him with their shade of a bond. He wanted Cal to know he'd understand. Of all the people in the Galaxy, Kanan was likely one of the few who'd understand what Cal had gone through. Both Padawans during the Clone Wars and both lost their Masters during the Purge... and for nearly twenty years, they had survived. Whatever Cal had done to get to this point, Kanan wanted the ginger Jedi to understand he didn't have to shoulder those burdens alone.

"Where were you during Operation Knightfall?" Cal asked so quietly Kanan almost didn't hear him.

"Come again?" Kanan asked for clarification.

"Where were you during the Purge?"

Kanan's mouth hung open slightly, his lips suddenly feeling dry. He'd never heard that term before.

"What... is Operation Knightfall what the Empire called the Purge?" Kanan whispered.

Cal's light wavered as he shrugged, "internally, yeah, I suppose. On Bracca, we were scrapping all kinds of ships and craft from the war... I'd seen a few times what was going through the clones' minds when the moment tipped over," Cal explained. "They didn't betray us, not willingly anyway, but it still hurts. We were all pawns...." Kanan folded his hands in his lap, he couldn't imagine what Cal's psychometry must have felt like on a planet like that, surrounded by all those memories.

"Rex said they had chips in their heads that made them do it," Kanan said.

"Right," Cal said flatly. "Where were you during the Purge?"

"Kaller, on the ground. We'd taken the Capital and were camped under the stars... " he said in a terse and rehearsed tone, though he wasn't sure he'd ever said those words aloud before. "Master Billaba had given me a holocron, and everything seemed normal until... until it wasn't."

Cal reached out and set a comforting hand on Kanan's thigh. The younger Jedi almost leaned and rested his head on Kanan's shoulder. Almost.

"She told me to run, that she'd be right behind me," Kanan said, "but she held them off so I could escape into the forest. And she stayed."

There was a beat as Cal took a breath, listening to Caleb's story. He'd only told Hera this before. "Where were you, Cal?"

"We were on our Venator, the Albedo Brave," Cal said, "We were just doing training exercises and then... Master Tapal cut down the commander. He said the clones had betrayed us and we had to get off the ship. We had to get to the escape pods and... and... I was too slow," Cal explained in a soft, careful whisper. "They overran us and I lost my lightsaber. They shot at us. And I was too slow. And then we were in the pod together... I can still smell the bolts that burnt his fur— I..."

BD-1 whirred and scampered up onto Cal's back, clinging close to his friend. Kanan placed his hand over Cal's. Kanan didn't speak. He didn't want to interrupt. Cal trusted him with this.

"Master Tapal gave me his lightsaber as he died in my arms and I couldn't let go of it no matter how much it hurt. I couldn't pilot the pod and then we were tumbling down onto Bracca but neither of us were secure and then and then and..." Cal's breaths were rapid and anxious, his nebula twisting inward as if to keep himself from overflowing, "by the time we crashed planetside his body had pinned mine. Something in me gave and I couldn't stop the memories from flowing. I saw it over and over. His last words to me were burned into my palms..." he choked out the last few words.

BD-1 whistled quietly and squeezed Cal's shoulders as Cal's hands found themselves Intertwined with Kanan's. The hands with calluses that matched his but with psychometry, had tasted more death than Kanan could ever imagine. "I have no idea how long I stayed in that pod. Could have been minutes. Could have been days. I just know I can never get into them again."

"Cal, have you ever told anyone this before?" Kanan asked.

"My wife, Merrin knows," Cal said quietly, "she knows everything about me... like I do her. I don't know what I'd do without her. I wouldn't be here without her."

The last sentence, Kanan couldn't tell if Cal had said it out loud or whispered it through the Force... but he knew what it felt like to feel attached to someone so important. A part of him understood why Cal had gone off on his own... why being with Cal on the Interdictor felt so unsettling. It reminded him of when Ezra was trying so hard to do the right thing but lost sight of himself after Malachor. Kanan didn't know what he'd do if he ever lost sight of Hera.

"We'll get her back, Cal," Kanan assured him. Just as the Ghost crew was there for Ezra. Now Cal would have both the Mantis and the Ghost crews to help him, "in the memory of Major Blevin's desk, what did you see?"

"Grogu..." the name slipped from Cal's lips, "a man said that Grogu's blood had potential. Merrin's too," the fire had returned to Cal's voice, "some sort of two birds with one stone situation. They could kill me and take 'the specimens' they wanted." Cal wrenched his hands from Kanan's and pressed his palms to his eyes; he couldn't explain what he'd seen in the echo like he usually did for BD-1. He'd have to quote the man Blevin spoke to.

"'Transfer the prisoners to my star destroyer. I'd like to study them at Mount Tantiss,' I can... I can almost see the man in the holo. Human. Pale skin, dark eyes, dark hair, uurrh, 'Once Kestis is out of the way, they would make fine specimens for my experiments'," Cal hissed, more venomous than a nexu.

"Who was the man?"

Cal turned to Kanan, even blind, he could feel those green eyes peering into his greys, "Major Belvin called him 'Dr. Royce Hemlock'."