Unsettled/Disillusioned

Chapter 27: the Question

The harmonious duet of 'Kata Akuna/Santari Khri' rose in forte to match the confident ballad of 'Ezra Bridger' each time their lightsaber blades clashed. Kanan tried to focus on their symphony as they duelled in the open space by the nekko stables and the gentle call of Kelleran Beq as the Jedi Master gave them pointers. He tried to ignore the rapping crystal of Vashtan Wolfe, the man himself had the gall to challenge Kanan to a duel. With a groan and a shove, Kanan made his way back into the saloon. He avoided a glance at the hospital where Kallus was staying, his insistence to remain at Cal's side on these missions to watch him had gotten him hurt. ...why couldn't Kanan protect them both?

Ashe and DD-EC's upbeat, cheery tunes did little to comfort Kanan as he walked through the threshold. The scent of tobacc smoke and sizzling meat was heavy in the air as some usual suspects were hanging around for lunch. He went up to the second floor to avoid the bar, where Master Beq and Cal had exchanged something that seemed otherwise unspeakable. Toa and Sabine were chatting with Zee in a corner about ancient Mandalorian battles and High Republic Jedi heroes. Kanan tried to distract himself from that sensation in the saloon earlier, focusing on the large tank of fish that was as tall as the two floors. It was no use. It still called to him from the floor below. The sound of the screeching wail of Cal Kestis from that morning still haunted Kanan. Why did Koboh feel so surreal? Or really, why did everything surrounding Cal Kestis feel so contradictory??

"Do all Jedi do that?"

Kanan took a breath to recentre himself. He belatedly realised someone had spoken to him. Toa.

"Do all Jedi do what?" Kanan asked for clarification.

"Brooding," Toa replied, a hint of teasing in her voice.

"I prefer 'deep thinking'," Kanan defended.

"Sure," Toa said, dragging the syllable out, unconvinced, "what are you thinking so deeply about?"

"Cal Kestis. I need to talk to him about the mission. Where is he?" Kanan asked.

"He should be meditating, he probably won't like being disturbed," Toa shrugged, "I can bring you to him if you'd like?"

Kanan smirked. They left the saloon and walked past the nekko stables, the landing pad. Kanan heard the sound of flowing water, the scent of fresh leaves wafted in his lungs as they continued. They walked over a metal bridge and greeted two guards and a B1- battle droid. There was a subtle buzz in his bones as they continued through what felt like a forest.

"Around us are the remains of a large Jedi Temple," Toa explained, "the roof had collapsed and nature had reclaimed the furniture and equipment that was left when the Jedi evacuated. Only the strongest walls, and the observatory above, remain."

"Evacuated? Why?"

"Meteor strike, the Emergence, two hundred years ago," Toa shrugged, "I've been studying the ruins and the culture here, it's fascinating. I've written a few books and treatises too, but most of them are censored. Careful, the path here is uneven. One good thing about the Empire's censorship, everyone thinks there's only three old meditation chambers here, with no new information on the Jedi to offer. They meditated and moved baubles with their minds. So what, right? Oh, but there's so much more here, something new almost every day."

"How long have you lived here?"

"Maybe a little over a standard decade? There was a period of a few years when I had left Koboh, I wanted to meet up with some of my old colleagues to set up a union and to speak out against the Empire. Cal gave me the courage to go. It didn't pan out. But I met Cal again on an expedition and we worked together. Then we returned to Koboh and I've called this place home ever since..."

"He does that a lot, doesn't he?" Kanan pondered as Toa guided him up a ladder.

"Do what?" It was Toa's turn to ask for clarification.

"He... helps people. Find courage and hope despite the Empire looming over us," Kanan said.

"He does, but I find he often forgets to help himself, too," Toa laughed, "Merrin has to remind him not to spread himself too thin, he needs to take care of himself before he can be of help to others. And he shouldn't be afraid to ask for help either."

Toa helped Kanan over some stone pillars, they felt straight and smooth to his hands, almost like carved steps.

"I'm glad you came to help him, he needs it," Toa said.

"Does he really? He handled all those Imps on his own pretty well," Kanan dismissed. Though he knew what Toa had meant. Cal didn't seem like he needed help with the combat aspect of fighting the Empire. But should be really had come? Kanan struggled to identify the feeling he had in his chest, the way the Force was pulling and pushing him in different directions.

"What do your instincts tell you about Cal?" Toa asked. He realised she'd studied the Jedi, she'd understand him, right?

"I know on the surface he's bright and kind," Kanan started as they continued walking, "but I know he harbours intense frustration and anger under all that."

"Everyone's told you about their different version of Cal?" Toa asked smugly as she led the way into an old building. It sounded like the humid air of Koboh was bouncing around metal walls in some places but leaking through rocky pillars in others. Toa pressed a button and Kanan sensed a turbolift rushing to their level from high above.

"More or less... yes. Though it seems there's two main versions, people choose to view one side or the other," he rubbed the back of his neck as the turbolift got closer.

"Kanan, I know you're smart enough to come to your own conclusions," she stated. As the turbolift doors opened, she presented the lift car to the Jedi. "You can tell him, or ask him," Toa challenged, "when the both of you are on the same page, then you can bring our people home."

Kanan crossed his arms and smirked at her. He hoped his painted jaig eyes looked sharp enough.

"When you get up there, ask San or Cal to describe the view to you," she suggested, "San can be poetic when he wants to and Cal... he's honest. When he wants to."

Then the lift doors closed and Kanan felt his ears pop as the turbolift rose high, higher through the old Jedi facility.

It was a long way up and he grappled with what Toa said. There were two images of Cal in his mind... the Cal he knew, always knew; sweet sunshine Cal from the Temple who grew up to a bright nebula in town ... And the Cal from the bluffs, from the wanted posters, those crimes seeming less and less exaggerated. He leaned on the curved walls of the lift, feeling cramped in the closed space, his stomach turned as he didn't know what the Force wanted him to side with. Which one was true?