Unsettled/Disillusioned

Chapter 20: the Resolve

In the quiet calm of hyperspace, Kanan found himself pondering about the tension between Kallus and Cal once again. They were still a few hours out from their destination, there was little to do except go over data logs (as Kallus was doing in the cockpit) or meditating in the cargo hold (like Cal was with Estra and BD-1). Kanan was pacing around the halls of the shuttle, much to Kallus' annoyance.

"You've been on a mission just like this before, you're not nervous, are you?" Kallus asked as Kanan lapped around to the cockpit.

"No," Kanan leaned on the wall closest to him, hopefully out of Kallus' line of sight, "but you seem to be."

Kanan knew Kallus; he had seen him work on missions as Fulcrum after leaving Attalon. Kallus had a steady resolve, perhaps much stronger now than when he once served the Empire. But Kallus seemed to falter any time Cal Kestis was mentioned, and he'd seemed strained since they arrived on Koboh.

"Of course, can't hide anything from you, Jedi," Kallus scoffed.

"Did something happen between you and Cal?" Kanan asked, "I need to know. We all have to be on the same page once we get inside that Interdictor," Kanan said.

"It's nothing... it wasn't anything Kestis did to me," Kallus sighed.

"Are you afraid of him?" Kanan said, the words stung as they left his mouth and the flame within Kallus faltered as the other man processed them.

"No," Kallus finally said after a long while, "I mean I try not to be. I know I shouldn't be frightened. We're on the same side now."

"He scared you when you were still an Imperial?" Kanan asked for clarification.

"Yes, okay?" Kallus admitted, "but I know I shouldn't be, neither of us are those men anymore. That's ancient history, and we've both changed since when I was in the ISB and he was a Jedi terr—"

"Don't say 'terrorist'," Kanan hissed, his hands were fists across his chest, "that's just Imperial propaganda."

Kallus was quiet except for a small huff and a sigh as he shifted in his seat.

"Are you nodding?" Kanan asked.

"Yeah," Kallus said. Kanan could feel his heart rate spike. He was lying.

"Why did you tag along on this mission, Kallus?" Kanan asked. It was a question that had been burning in his mind since they got the order from Andor.

"You already know why. Command thought it would be beneficial to have someone who knows and understands Cal Kestis well on a mission we're practically going in blind on," Kallus recited the reasoning he'd already heard from Hera and Andor.

"What do you mean," Kanan argued, "I know Cal—"

"I know you think you do because he's a Jedi," Kallus interrupted, Kanan could feel his face grow warm, "and I know Kestis is a good man but... I don't think you know what he could be capable of."

"What's that supposed to mean? You've seen what me and Ezra can do, Command knows what we're capable of," Kanan said.

"You've read Kestis' reports, haven't you? You know there's a huge difference between what Ezra can do and what Kestis had done."

Again with this, Kanan silently cursed in his mind. His lips formed a tight line, as he pondered how his own actions could have affected how others could perceive Cal. Kanan had refrained from using a blaster unless he couldn't use his lightsaber since he'd started training Ezra and the Ghost crew had a reputation for having 'no casualties' since in their early operations. The same couldn't be said for Cal. He read the reports, of course he'd had. He knew how many bodies Cal tended to leave in his wake. Well, Chopper tended to behave chaotically as well, and his own hands weren't exactly clean of blood either.

Still, there were the times Andor had complained to him in the tapcafe, how the modules they'd installed on BD-1 to 'handle' Cal wasn't helping much... how he thought Cal was still fighting like the Partisan he once was instead of like the image of a Jedi Kanan had put forth. Did Command think Cal was a loose cannon because Kanan himself was so stern? Did Command think Kallus knew the ginger Jedi better than an actual Jedi?

"I don't understand why you're so hung up over this, we're at war, Kallus," Kanan hissed, "Both Cal and I are veterans of the Clone Wars, Fenn Rau and Captain Rex too, kriff, we all know what Saw Gerrera does and Cal spent time as a Partisan before—"

"He's done worse than that," Kallus declared. The words hung between them in the cold air of hyperspace where time rushed over them like a river. "I know Cal Kestis is a good man, Kanan, I'm not saying he isn't," Kallus continued after a long while and for once, for the first time since they left Yavin IV was the light within him glowing steady, "I know he's moved on from that violent past; the Partisans, the Bounty Hunter's Guild, fighting the Empire so openly, I think it all brought out the worst in him. But I know he's better now," Kallus shrugged.

"Yet you're still afraid of him," Kanan said, unconvinced.

"I knew him from before Attalon," Kallus snapped back, "When I was in the ISB, we were shown an old holo recording of a Jedi. In combat. It was violent. In hindsight, the Empire used it as negative propaganda. I didn't realise that holo was of Kestis until after he left Attalon. He confirmed to me the footage was real."

A spark lit up in Kanan's memory. Of a holo that Hera once showed him when she asked him if he knew of any Jedi. Shortly after their adventure on Gorse, shortly before the bounty on the other Jedi's head had peaked and rumours of a Jedi Partisan slowly faded away. Some young man was trapped in a gladiator arena, beset on all sides by all manner of beasts and bounty hunters, and he cut them down with a blazing blue blade of light. Of course, he thought he knew the Jedi in the holo, with his bright red hair, piercing green eyes and freckles like a star chart; but he didn't truly recognise the young man. He sported scars upon his face and fought with a ferocity  Kanan didn't remember from their days in the Temple. But Cal Kestis was out there, carving his way violently through the underworld. Whatever Cal did there was in self-defence, Kanan told himself. Whatever crimes the Empire accused him of, Saw Gerrera had a hand in it. Because that Jedi in the holo was a brutal monster, it couldn't have been Cal Kestis, the shy and kind boy he remembered flitting between shelves in the library.

"It was... unsettling, trying to reconcile those two versions of him. That was a side of him I'm sure he'd rather leave behind," he sighed and continued in a near whisper, "I know what he's capable of when he's angry."

Kanan ran his hand over his face and scratched at his beard as he realised he felt the same way. He remembered Cal coming to him the previous year, hands wet with tears and blood as he apologised for what he did to Clone Force 99, Ketsu and Kallus. Kanan did warn Kallus that it was dangerous for Jedi to hold onto anger like that. It seemed Kallus thought Cal was still prone to it.

"Kanan, I know what I said before, about keeping my relationship with Kestis professional. But I still care about you both," Kallus said, bringing Kanan's attention back to the present, "Cal Kestis is a good Fulcrum when he's focused. But when he isn't..." a sigh, "I came along on this mission not just because Command knows I'm familiar with how he acts in the field, but because I want to protect the Ghost crew."

"From Cal?"

A quiet beat.

"Yes, I'm nodding," Kallus admitted, "as futile as that sounds."

Kanan took a deep breath. And another.

"Thank you, Kallus, for telling me," Kanan finally said, unsure what else to say.

"We all want the same thing here, Kanan. We'll bring Cal's people back home," Kallus said with determination.

Kanan nodded and offered a small smile as he made his way to the galley to meditate.