The Pain in My Heart [Completed]

Chapter 1

A drip of blood runs down my finger and I lick it off. I sit in the Day Room with my needle and thread lazily stitching at the new gown I've been sewing. I try my best to fill my free time with more amusing company, but not many are usually up at this ungodly time.

The bay window has become my personal spot during the hours of the night along with the Study. Axil had it cozied up just for me. Soft pillows and blankets stocked in shelves if I ever find myself drifting off to sleep, candlesticks, snacks, and old books fill the room.

The sun has not risen, the sky still an inky black. There's not even a sliver of moonlight and it makes the stars sparkle even brighter.

Candlelight illuminates the window just enough to see but still soft enough for my tired eyes to rest. I don't try to wake up at two in the morning, it just seems to be the time I am always reminded of what I failed to do.

It's the screams... Lucy's screams as Adam falls to the hard ballroom floor. Axil's eyes widening in fear of the bullet that was meant for him. In all my life of being the daughter of a mafia boss, never have I seen such terror in one's eyes. It's my own scream as I see my mother flash before my eyes, shielding that bullet from Axil. It's the glimpses of those exact moments which make me jolt awake and throw up in the bathroom every night.

I then curl up here unable to stomach lying back down in my own bed. Sometimes I sew like I am this morning, other times I will read in the Study, but I mostly end up distracted. I find my eyes drift over to the window, searching the night sky.

And though I don't like to be alone, this is the only moment I can collect my thoughts which usually only happens in broken whispers. But this morning there is only one word I keep whispering.

"Why?"

Why did this all have to happen?

Why me?

Why aren't I good enough?

Why do I still feel like this?

Why can't I sleep?

Why did they have to die?

"Why? Why? Why?"

"Am I interrupting you?"

I look over my shoulder, startled. The queen stands under the entrance with a soft smile glowing on her face. Never after the first dinner we had has she ever been rude or inconsiderate again. No, she's since proven quite the opposite.

Bubbling suspicion rises in my stomach and I force it back down. It's such a habit to second guess the nature of sympathy. For some, it's love. For others, it's a weapon. Not here though. Not at Lumbridge. But I have been wrong before. So very wrong.

"No, no," I whisper. "I'm sorry I woke you this morning,"

"Now, you know you don't have to apologize. I love you."

Those three words feel like the burning embers of a fire that glows even once the flame has died.

She sits next to my left, angling herself towards me. Resting into the cushions she sighs and props her head up with her hand.

"I know," I murmur, "That doesn't mean I'm not sorry. I've caused enough trouble already."

"You really shouldn't talk about yourself like that, Zaria. It wasn't your fault."

"I still played a part. That's just as bad."

"You saved Lumbridge. You saved—

"I don't care!" I yell a little too loud. My tired voice travels through the soundless hall, echoing around every corner. Taking a deep breath, I will the tears back into my eyes before they can escape. "It's not enough to save a kingdom when people I lov-... when people I care about suffered."