The Pain in My Heart [Completed]

Chapter 11 - Crista

It was only when I had seen Zaria's list that I realized how selfish I was being. I avoid my mother's gaze as she reads in the corner of my room. She sleeps here on and off trying to mend all the broken years that split us apart, but having her hovering over me just makes my skin crawl.

I had always thought even if I was a disappointment, who was there to disappoint? My father has always been happy if I was happy no matter what... but my mom...

I look at the way she is sitting. Back straight, arms slightly extended and elbows bent at a perfect 45 degree holding her book as her long slender fingers curl around the cover. All I see are standards that I will never measure up against.

Like balancing on a tightrope, it all feels like too much. One gust of wind could come at any moment and knock me over. My mother's approval was a bit of a lie. I practically had to fight my way back to it.

With all of the trouble she had gotten herself into over the years, I begrudgingly understand why she has such a short leash on me, but all it makes me do is remember a time when I used to run free.

No one said a word to me, about the way I was acting, and when I tried to apologize. Axil cut me off. He has always been one to step in, take the lead and carry the burden. It is his blessing and curse. He will do a fine job leading Lumbridge, but he doesn't know when to stop. When is enough, enough for one person?

I see the way he tightens his shoulders when he's stressed, and the second he does, it he overcompensates with the biggest smile. It's killing him.

I'll have to talk with him about it. If there's anything Axil hates, it's being told that he's doing something wrong, and I guess we share that quality. He holds himself to a standard of perfection, but he'll only break and I don't know if I'll be able to save him if he keeps going on like this.

Tomorrow, I think to myself. I'll catch him tomorrow.

"You were gone most of the day. Where were you?" my mother asks sassily intrigued.

And, here's the decision. Time has run out. Blood family or found family. No matter how long I look into my mother's eyes all I can see is the look on Zaria's face when I talked to her today and the way Lucy told me herself that she's dying without my witty humor.

"I was with the group," I say bluntly, hoping she'll catch my drift and drop it.

She closes her book with a hollow snap and I know I should have known better than to think my mother could let something go for once.

"What?" I say, more as a challenge than a question.

"Crista," her voice is lighter than I expected and I almost feel bad for my attitude towards her. Almost. "I know they're you friends and family." She pauses, rubbing her fingers over the spine of her book. "I just want you to be safe."

"Mom," I start.

"We were given a miraculous second chance. I don't want to waste another second of it focusing on the woman who tore everything apart."

I stand, walking over to her. She watches as I move with sympathy in her eyes. "Neither do I," I finally say sitting down next to her, hugging my knees to my chest. "But if I don't do anything to help; if I stay locked up here, the rest of our lives are going to be over before we can even have a proper start."

I make sure to cover my arm where the slave mark inks my skin. I may be able to tell her that I will fight for us so we can finally live in harmony, but I can't tell her the consequences I've already brought upon myself. If she knew, she would probably chop my arm off right now.

"Let me help them." I plead. A silence falls over us. I chuckle before I finish what I'm saying. "They need me."

She looks over at me with her goddess-like face. The moonlight dances across the room and almost seems to swirl around us. Her doing, I know. She is always one to put on a show.

"And you need them too." Her eyes squint and her lips tighten. "But please don't forget, I need you as well. You're all I have."

"We have father. Don't forget about him, especially after all he's done for us," I plead with her as I block out the hurt that creeps through my skin.

She solemnly shakes her head. "I could never forget it."

***

I knew this would happen. Just like every night, I can slowly feel myself drifting into that dark hallway. I'm not afraid anymore... I don't think so.

My limbs start to shake, sweat beading around my forehead. I don't have to tell myself to take a step forward, I just do. My heartbeat is slow, but powerful, as if I had run a marathon and slowed down time. It is the only thing I can hear besides the dripping of water steady and constant.

My chest feels as though a rope has been tied around my ribcage, like I'm being pulled both forward and backwards at the same time. The pressure is unbearable. I don't know why, or how, but by some divine power my body moves forward. My mind starts floating ahead, pleading to go faster. Just a little bit further.

This is usually where my dream stops, I know it. I've seen it enough times to know what happens next.

Come on! My eyes squeeze tight together. Wake up! Wake up, please! Please...

"Come find me." The voice is broken and distressed.

"Come find me."

And just like that, a black fog comes to swoop me up and throw me back to reality.

I gasp for air as my eyes throw open and I am met with darkness. Not nightmare darkness, just regular twilight. I sit up and scan to see that my mother had left after I fell asleep. Good.

Zaria is the only person I talked to about the nightmares. I thought if anyone, she would understand what it feels like. The crushing weight of not knowing right from left. Feeling stuck and helpless. But I guess there is not much you can do when you're asleep, besides wait it out.

Maybe dreams aren't that much different from reality. I have just about as much control of myself when I sleep as when I meet the waking daylight. All I can do is react. Power and control over what happens is a distant memory.

I sigh into the silence. Not even the crickets sing. Please, let this be over soon.

I lay back down closing my eyes praying this time I can just fall into an abyss and sleep.

There is utter silence, but for a moment I swear I can hear a whisper coming from the window. Two voices in tandem. But my mind sinks back into reliving my nightmare, too deep to care what could be happening outside.

"Find me."

Then again, I've never been the sanest person.