The Pain in My Heart [Completed]

Chapter Thirteen - Crista

The birds chirp outside my window and I know I'm safe to open my eyes. How cowardly to be scared of your own mind.

I'm afraid of Eden and what she might do to destroy our home. I fear for the king and queen, and all the stress she has put on them; and not only Eden but just the stress of having to run a kingdom with no help, and I fear even more for Axil who is walking into this thinking he's ready to take the crown, but he and I both know that there never comes a point that you'll truly be ready.

I'm a fraud. I am expected to have everything together, while at the same time being there to crack a joke here, and say a sly remark there. Make people laugh, but don't go too far. Be stress free while taking on everyone else's stress.

What if Zaria was right? What if I threw my life away when I decided to bring my mother back? What if I lost who I was meant to be and I will never be the same? What if at some point I actually start to hate Zaria because she now possesses the only part of me that made me feel needed? Because, if I hate her, I don't really have anyone else.

I know deep down Lucy must hate me. The night of the ball she told me to stay away. Even after everything she had been through, she warned me about the danger that night would bring, and like the coward I am I listened to her... and look what happened. She lost Adam. He was the one person that made her feel happy, the one person that made her feel seen, and now he is buried in a garden of her flowers.

I remember asking what she was going to do. I don't know what exactly I was asking. What are you going to do right now? Scream, cry, break something? It could have meant asking her what she was going to do to cope. It could have meant, what will she do tomorrow when she wakes up praying that this was all just a dream, only to realize it was the most real thing that has ever happened? I don't know exactly the answer I was expecting, but I remember what she said like it happened yesterday.

"He deserves all the beauty in the world. He loved watching the sun rise through the east tower and set sending waves of gold over Senwain. He would watch it until it was dark outside and then he would pick a flower and put it in my hair."

I didn't know how to respond, and that just makes everything even worse, but she buried him in the exact spot that they sat each and every night. I haven't gone to visit it. I haven't been able to face what I had run away from.

As the birds finish their song, the rest of the world starts to come to life. The gentle breeze blows through my window kissing my face. The dew drips lazily off the nearby trees and the squirrels jump around, rustling leaves.

What a simple life it seems to be out there. Secluded from all the hustle and bustle, yet in harmony with every living thing. And though one can dream, one eventually has to wake up.

As I climb out of bed the morning chill hits me and it's refreshing. What to say to Axil? How to bring it up?

This whole Eden thing has really put him on edge and I don't even know how to approach him. Maybe I should have Zaria do it. He might listen to her more over me. And cower again? No, I have to do this on my own.

I keep it simple today. A simple black dress with my hair in a low bun. I don't even want to think of all the tangles hiding in my curls. I'm almost out my bedroom door, and the purple hat Zaria had hand-sewn for me catches my eye.

It hangs on my wall like an ornament. Oh, how I've missed my floating hat. At least having it hanging reminds me of the good old days. I gently take it off the wall holding it between my hands. She did this all by hand, her love showing in every stich. I sigh, putting it back on the hook and walking out.