At first he didn't mind. He thought it was just them being them. You know, Cas and Dean. Their profound bond together. But then... You could say it all started when they were on a case and had to leave the Bunker to instead stay at a motel.
The younger Winchester had just pushed away from his tiring research to hed off to bed. Which, surprisedly, wasn't all that bad considering the condition the other rooms were in. Castiel had disappeared off 2 hours before to look into other files relating to the case. And Dean went off to where ever with his impala before Sam decided to call it a night.
So he had the room to himself.
As he looked at empty and wrinkled sheets of the bed on the other side of the room, Sam could feel weariness settling in. And felt it was time for some much needed rest. But before he could nod off to a hopefully dreamless night, he heard a deep voice. Snapping his eyes open and sitting up quickly he spun his eyes around the room, searching for Cas.
Only, no sight of him was seen. Though he was sure he heard the angels voice and even a flap of wings, though barely. Until he heard the voice again and went over to the window. Sliding the lid up slowly, he moved the curtain slightly away and peeked out and down. And it was confirmed.
Sam frowned and his heart began to race. Not out of fear but out of how stupid he was. There on the Impala sat Dean and the Angel of the Lord. Sitting, talking, so close, face to face. He watched as Dean placed a firm hand on the angel. Sam thought of it as comfort, though Dean wasn't always the type for that, but it wasn't clear enough to see either's expressions. So Sam liked that assumption.
Seeing as the angel could get easily concerned and distressed. But it wasn't his place to say anything. He was okay with whatever they had going on but sometimes he wished it were him and not Dean. Call him crazy, but he'd look up at night, at the glittering stars, and he'd wish away. Hoping they could hear his heart's longing. His heart's sorrow.
Sometimes he wanted to have that type of relationship with the angel. And other times, he doesn't...
+++
The second time was when Dean and Castiel were having a little bickering. Well it wasn't a complete full on fight. But Sam was there and it wasn't that big of a deal. Dean was simply having an unnecessary argument because he felt like he could take it out on anyone once he was upset.
And like always, he'd watch as his brother point, yell and blame the angel who simply didn't see the point in conflict. He didn't understand why the Winchester was mad and doesn't even know what he did. As he opened his mouth to defend himself Dean swung hard, fast. And the loud crack after that had Sam finally stepping in.
But even that was a little too late when Castiel looked up from the floor, bloodied and bruised lip before disappearing and Dean doing the same. He would've seen the damage vanish if it wasn't for the Angel's grace slipping, then again he wouldn't have ended up on the floor from a punch like that. In the moment he was so conflicted with himself. In so desperately wanting to pray out for the Angel and comfort him and chasing after his brother.
And without another thought he found himself doing the latter. He saw as Dean went to storm into his room but he turned and that's when he punched him. He'd been so fed up by Dean unfairly treating Cas like shit. And he couldn't interfere, though this time was different. Sam was practically out of breath, huffing out deep breaths as he stared down his brother that was holding onto his bruised face.
The rest was history really. But that didn't stop his brother and angel from having there little moments. Meaning that Sam still had to watch them giving small smiles from across the room, them having their small conversations, times when he wasn't there alongside them, their fight long forgotten the scars on Deans knuckles.
He wished, he really wished Cas could look at him, just turn and see him. That he wasn't Dean but he could love Cas the way he wanted.
Wishing and wished on stars that never granted.
+++
Sam just wanted to move on. It was pain to feel this way for the other. He was tired. Tired of staying awake at night with nothing but the Angel on his mind. Sam's heart couldn't take it any longer. It hurts too much to have such a deep love for someone while it wasted away.
He simply wanted to know to rid of these torturing feelings. But, he was also scared to let them go. Let go of the way his stomach flipped when he saw Cas, of the way his heart raced and mind only on the thoughts of the Angel.
On another hand, he really wanted to see Cas and Dean and not hurt from heartache. He wished, he wished, he wished, not granted, not given a chance...
Now he believes he should simply be away and stand by. When he could've loved Castiel. But it will never be reciprocated. And maybe another rejection from a holy being wasn't what he looked forward to.
He'll just have to kill the little flower that sprouted, that could've grown beautifully with soft and caring petals. He'll just have to choose thorns to pierce it piece by piece, 'til it became nothing but dust, whisked away in the lonely wind from his broken heart.
Now when he sees Dean and Cas, he'll no longer feel love surround in his chest. It won't be there anymore.
Sam wished and wished he never wished...
