but even though you're killing me
i need you like the air i breathe
i need, i need you more than me
i need you more than anything
please...
please...
+++
It hurts to to know that the person you love is in love with some one else right? Well that's exactly how Sam feels every time he sees Dean and Cas.
+++
Sam had been struggling with his feelings for Castiel for what felt like an eternity. Whether or not it hurt to admit, he knew he held something for the angel that ran deeper than anything he had ever felt. And God it drove him delusional.
Sam didn't think things could be more worse. But as the angel hung around more, Sam was left to make steps in deciding what do about these feelings. Either rid of them, continue his delusional fantasy or simply, confess. The young Winchester told himself that the latter was rather terrifying but his curiosity was sparked either way.
He had finally gathered the courage to confess his feelings, hoping against hope that Castiel might feel the same way.
Well... not exactly. He said it aloud but not face to face to face with the other. It was practice really! Dean headed out an hour ago and Sam was sure he would be back in the next couple of hours, later. All in all, he was completely alone.
As he stood in the dimly lit library, surrounded by the familiar sight of dusty books and the faint scent of holy oil, Sam took a deep breath and let his words spill out.
"Castiel, from the moment I met you, I knew you were different. Your kindness, your compassion, your unwavering dedication to our cause...it all drew me to you. And over time, I realized that my admiration had turned into something more. I... I'm not Dean... but I have feelings for you, Cas. Romantic feelings." Sam had ended with. He thought it over, would that really display how he felt? Was it too much? Would Cas understand?
Then he started worrying. What if it instead of bringing them closer it drove them apart? Sam would hate himself of that if he was the cause of running away the angel or simply making him uncomfortable.
With all this buzzing in his never restless mind he drew a chair and sat by the table. Head held with his hands and he held his breath then sighed into the chill atmosphere.
"Sam?" Sam's heart sank. He looked up and regrettably met eyes with Cas of all people. Really it would've been less embarrassing if it were his brother... Or maybe not- but that wasn't the point! Sam stood as the angel came closer and hoped to God that the angel hadn't heard a word he uttered. But when has anything worked in his favour.
The angel smiled, and he reached out to place a gentle hand on Sam's shoulder.
"Sam, I...I care about you deeply. You are my friend, my brother in every way that matters. But...I have feelings for Dean."
Sam's world came crashing down around him. He felt like he had been punched in the gut, his breath knocked out of him.
Fuck!
Why couldn't he have kept his mouth shut? Was he expecting something good to come from all this? Maybe, but he should have realized the other alternatives. Such as this.
"Oh... Dean,"
Castiel nodded, his eyes filled with a deep regret. "I know this may be difficult for you to hear, Sam. But I couldn't keep it inside anymore. I have tried to ignore it, to deny it, but I cannot lie to myself or to you any longer."
Sam's mind raced as he tried to process this revelation. Castiel, the being he had trusted with his life, the one he had confided in, had feelings for his own brother.
Oh... Dean...
"You're in love with my brother," Sam stated flatly, he chuckled dryly, his voice devoid of emotion.
Castiel nodded again, his expression apologetic. "I am sorry, Sam. I never intended to hurt you."
Sam felt like he was drowning, suffocating under the weight of Castiel's confession. He needed to get away, to escape the pain that threatened to consume him.
"It's fine Cas, really..."
And with that, Sam turned and walked away, leaving Castiel standing there, his heart heavy with sorrow and regret.
°
the kiss that you don't need
the lie between your teeth
the cut that always...
°
AN=3
Planned for a happy ending but anGST is ANGST!
Song is by Conan Grey, 'The cut that always bleeds'
