New kid - kris guštin

3.

TW: e@ting disorder, sl€f h@rm

Emma's POV

It was only Tuesday so I still had a full week of school left before I had a few days off. But I was able to convince my dad I had a terrible headache so he let me stay home. It wasn't full a lie tho, I did actually have a pretty bad headache. But I I have that more or less everyday and I'm guessing that's mostly because I don't eat enough, but I took it as a sign that I'm making progress.

My dad still had work so I had the house to myself. But I didn't really have much to do so I decided to just watch some tv to keep my mind distracted and not start to think about everything with school.

Tomorrow I would most likely have to go back cause I don't want to lie to my dad cause I feel very bad when I do. So I decided that today was gonna be a day where I just have to mentally prepare myself for the rest of the week, and come up with a plan on how I could avoid most interactions.

☆

I have been sitting on the couch the whole day and I heard the front door open. My dad got into the living room and sat down next to me, pulling me closer to him and wrapping an arm around me.

- how are you feeling now? Is it any better.

- yea it's a bit better. I think I will be able to go back to school tomorrow.

- okey that's really good. I'm gonna start with the food now.

My dad got up and walked into the kitchen. I knew I would have to eat a little so he wouldn't start to suspect things. I didn't want him to know about my struggles whatsoever ever.

I decided that I was gonna take a shower while waiting for the food to get done. I walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I was waiting for the water to warm up so I was just looking on my phone in the meantime. I went on Instagram and a post with my face popped up. It was the same account that had posted the video of me yesterday. I didn't wanna look at the caption cause I knew I would regret it, but I just couldn't stop myself from looking at it.

The person who had done this account had stalked up every single piece of information about me and written it down. And not only did they do that they also added some false information as well. They had written all about how my mother had been killed, and they had made up loads of shit about my mom. That actually hurt a lot more than when they wrote stuff about me. My mom hadn't done anything to them, nor would she ever. She was dead, she couldn't do that.

After reading the whole text I hadn't noticed the tears running down my cheeks. I felt disgusting. I knew a lot of what was said in the text wasn't actually true but other people wouldn't know that. To them I would now be the girl whose mom was a drug dealer and sex worker that got killed, and then moved to my dad cause I had no one else to care for me. And I had also been working with my mom of course. But none of that was true. My mom was a doctor and the most loving person I've ever met, and my grandparents were too old to be able to take care of me properly. And I had most definitely never worked as a sex worker or drug dealer together with my mom.

My brain stopped working and I just had one thing on my mind. I need to replace the pain with something I can handle. I saw my dad's razor in the shower and I grabbed it. I didn't think for a second and I then felt the burning sensation in my arm as the water hit the fresh cut.

The worst part about this is, it doesn't actually help. It actually makes everything way worse. It doesn't take away the pain it just adds up and I feel like such a big disappointment. I heard my dad knocking on the door, telling me food was ready.

☆

I got downstairs and sat down at the table. My dad had my favorite pasta, so I was really excited for that. Even tho I know I will need to get this out of myself right after.

- so you are sure you will be able to got to school tomorrow or should I call you in sick tomorrow as well?

- no I'll be fine don't worry. The food is really good by the way.

- thank you sweetie.

We sat there for a pretty long time just talking. I had missed talking with my dad, a lot. But I know that I will start missing having these moments with my mom as well.

☆

I went to the bathroom while my dad was cleaning up the kitchen. I have to get it all out now. If I don't then I will start gaining weight and I've just started to actually lose some.

I hunched over the toilet and put two fingers down my throat. I don't do this very often and just don't eat instead. But my dad would understand something was wrong straight away.

After a few minutes I felt like it was all out and I was feeling very proud. I looked myself in the mirror thinking about how I've just saved myself from gaining more weight.

I went into my room and was gonna pack up all of the stuff I had brought. I found my diary at the bottom of the bag. I had completely forgotten about that. I always wrote in my diary, it was my way to get all of my thoughts out of my head.

I sat down on my bed and started writing down everything that had happened since I got here. And it was a whole lot. I had been writing for a really long time and I saw that the clock was starting to become really late. I did have to go to school tomorrow, so I decided to go to sleep and try to rest up as much as possible before having to go back. Cause I will most likely need it.

☆

————————————————————————

A/n

More or less every chapter will probably contain something that could be triggering for some people. So I won't put a warning on every single chapter so if you know you get triggered by these things don't continue reading (: