Never Be the Same

Part 18

A week has passed since Stella decided to go see her mom. She has been unable to think about anything else. She is unable to relax, constantly feeling worried or anxious. Fixating on things outside of her control—what if this is a scam? —what if she is using her for something? What if she's lying to the police and she doesn't know anything about Bo's whereabouts? She just wants to see her daughter and try to scam her. Because scheming and manipulation are what she's good at.

All her overthinking has her feeling mentally exhausted, and she has a lot of negative thoughts. Which is so unlike her; she is usually the positive one; she was so positive when she was facing death and when Benny was in the hospital, but with this situation, she can't stop the negative thoughts. She keeps replaying the last conversation she had with her mom years ago. She was only fifteen and so angry with her. She hated the woman her mom was turning into; she had her lifestyle, her boyfriends, and her druggy friends, and mostly she hated that she didn't feel safe in her own home anymore. At one time, her home was her safe space, a place that was her happy place, especially when her grandma was alive. Her death changed everything.

This past week was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for her. She tries to pretend like she is fine, like it is no biggie to see her mom again. But it wasn't working; she was distracted and totally off her game, especially on shift. Her truck guys called her out on it a time or two. Of course, she always has an excuse, even if it was a lame one. They always nodded and agreed, seeming to believe her, but deep down she knew that they knew her and that something was going on. Her truck guys and the rest of 51 had no clue what was actually going on. Just the intelligent unit guys, and her husband. She didn't want anyone else to know, at least not yet.

Unfortunately, work wasn't the only place she was feeling distracted, and she was out of it most of the time. And on top of that, she is suffering from insomnia. She hasn't had a good night's sleep since the night Kim and Adam stopped by. She repeatedly told Kelly she was fine, but she knew he wasn't buying it. He has been so supportive, which is nothing new; he too would come up with excuses to cover up when she forgot something or seemed to be out of it. She loved him more for that; even with the kids, she would be reading them a story and lose concentration, and he would take the book and pick up where she left off. Just last night, she was fixing dinner, and her mind wondered off. She kept shaking her head, trying to stay focused on what she was doing. As she reached into the oven to pull the chicken out, she stupidly forgot the oven mitts and grabbed the pan. The heat of the pan burned her hands, and she ended up dropping the chicken on the floor. Kelly came in after hearing her scream and the bang. He didn't question anything; he just immediately took care of her hands and then cleaned up the mess while she cried. Again, she insisted she was fine and that her mind was clouded and anxious for tomorrow.

And now she's sitting outside on her back deck steps at five in the morning.
Second-guessing her decision. In six hours, she will see her mom for the first time in twenty-something years. She pulls out her grandma's journal and flips through it. Rereading the stuff her grandma wrote has given her some peace and comforted her a lot.

"Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" Kelly asked as he walked out on the deck. She gave him a confused look. "I rolled over, and you were gone. I searched the whole house looking for you." He sat down beside her. "I couldn't find you, scared the hell out of me." He wrapped his arms around her.

"I'm sorry." She replied. "I couldn't sleep again. I'm second-guessing myself."

"I figured." He kissed the side of her head. "You don't have to do this; you can back out, Voight, and the rest of them will get over it."

"I know, it's just that part of me wants to do this, not just to help them out," she bites her lip.

"But what?"