Never Be the Same

Part 21

Numbness is a loss of feeling or sensation in an area of your body. It can be complete (no feeling at all) or partial (less feeling than usual). It usually affects your hands, fingers, feet, arms, or legs, but it can occur in any part of your body. Even your heart when you receive or witness a heartbreaking event. This is a psychological phenomenon known as emotional numbness. It's something our mind does to help us cope when we're flooded with big emotions. Emotional numbing can have a significant impact on mental health, leading to feelings of detachment. 

She was definitely feeling detached from everything and everyone. Usually and times like this, she leans on her firehouse family, but this time things felt different. This time, he's her husband, her kids father, this time it was affecting her real family. She was having trouble processing what happened and why he had to go up to the attic. She wanted to be pissed at him, but deep down she knew if she was the one inside and knew somebody was up in the attic, she too would have risked her life. It's who they are.

Stella felt numb after watching the apartment collapse; she fell to her knees, screaming. She tried to run into the fire, but Herrmann wouldn't let her; she headbutted him and elbowed him. She smacked him repeatedly, but he wouldn't let her go. So she kneeled there, staring at the horrified scene of people running and yelling. Her eyes stay glued to the blaze, hearing Boden calling her husband's name over and over and watching her 51 family run inside, all yelling for her husband. She watched as Boden geared up and ran inside; her eyes were burning from the mixture of smoke and her tears. She doesn't know how long she kneeled there; she does remember anything after watching Cruz, Boden and Tony carry a lifeless body out of the blaze. That's the moment the numbness set in; she knew that lifeless body was her husband. 

She doesn't know how she got to Med; she can't feel her legs, so there was no way she walked in here. But somehow she made it inside, where she is sitting and staring at her wedding band. As the whole scene replays in her mind, she watched her husband run into the building, as she has done millions of times. She silently prayed as she stood there, talking to Boden. Like she always does when he's facing a dangerous situation. Praying he comes back out and she doesn't hear those two words every firefighter hates to hear. But unfortunately, she did hear those words, "Firefighter down." Came across the radio at least three or four times from voices she didn't recognize. As she kneeled there with Herrmann, a voice she knew well came across the radio when she heard the most heartbreaking words—words that made her heart literally stop. "Severide's down, Chief." After those words, the numbness kicked in severely.

"Kidd hasn't spoken or even moved since we carried Severide out." Capp says as they all look at Stella, who is staring at her hand. 

"She just witnessed her husband being carried out of a fire, Capp. Of course she's not talking or moving; she's numb." Cruz replied to him.

"It's more like she is depersonalized and dissociated." Violet spoke up. All eyes went to her. 

"What the hell does that mean?" Tony asked confusedly. 

"Yeah, Violet, speak English for us old guys." Herrmann added.

"It's when the body switches to survival mode." Carver answered. 

Violet looked at him surprisingly, their eyes connecting. "Correct." 

"I know some medical stuff." He told her, noticing her surprise look.

"I don't get it," Capp says, interrupting their moment. 

Violet sighed. "When you can't feel your emotions, you're likely to be in a dissociative state. This frequently occurs when people are overwhelmed and the body switches to survival mode, resulting in numbness or blankness." Violet looks back at Stella. "She literally just watched, a apartment building collapsed while her husband was inside, so it makes sense for her to be in this state."