New beginnings p2

Project

A project...
A student..
A patient..
That's the last thing I'd hope to be seen as. I'd rather end myself or leave than have someone think of me in such a low light. Something to be fostered as they see fit.

Let me be an equal. A partner to whatever crime is to be commit. A partner who shares in your trust, fears, endeavors.

I think if I should be a project I would leave. For I'd feel like there is no place for me. Perhaps it's my ego talking. Or a self preservation that hates the notion of being taken care of.

Weakness is an attribute I cannot afford to acquire. The world is too brutal. See me as strong. Give me a vote a confidence as someone you want on your team. Someone who can be of inspiration to you.

But please do not drag me along for pity or hope that I might one day cure myself of whatever is plaguing me.

Why?

Because what if the person I am tomorrow changes little from the person I am today. And what if all the hopes you pinned onto me are to be forgotten. By then it would be too late to take back the wasted time. And I would become the source of your resentment and grief.

So if I am not what you want as of today, please do not waste your time. Because I cannot promise for a future that I do not know.

No matter how much I desire to be that person for you. Perhaps the way I am is me. And I cannot change the foundation of whom I am. Perhaps you desire someone else.

Check yourself, be sure before you make a move.

Be sure that the person before you is not just who you want to see. Because often the mind creates fantasies. It pins itself on hopes of a better future and chooses only to see what little evidence points to that.

This is perhaps the bluntest I'd say it. But to me it makes perfect sense. A reason why the rest would never have worked. To them too I was an unfinished project. A disappointment that they endured. A resentment came to take the place of love. Yes, they still loved me til the end. But resentment for so long can foster dangerous situations when the pained finally lashes out.
Arguments that go too far, cheating, lies.

It explains the ruin of what was a perfect fairytale. One I thought might last forever. If anything, nothing can be "forever", it's just a temporary promise to emphasize the now.