New beginnings p2

17

Podcasts:

Do the work Ep. 1

Do the work Ep. 4

Narcissm Recovery: Parentification- The parentified child

Close the Chapter: Ep 207 Understanding Parent- Child Dynamics in Romantic Relationships

Today I finally realized what had been bothering me, but I did not yet have a name for which could be easily understood. For context, I have a friend who has a tendency to apologize a lot for things that don't need apologies. I had kept telling him please stop apologizing and he would try but the next day it would be the same thing. It gave me a nagging feeling of guilt because it put me in a weird situation. It seemed to widen the gap between us. I did not understand if it was normal or just my imagination. Today I asked if he knew why I asked him to stop. He repeated my original hypothesis as to why I disliked him apologizing, "Because the more I apologize the less the apology is going to mean". I agreed and pushed him further to which he defaulted to, "I don't know".

I ask, "When you were younger did you apologize to your parents?" To my surprise he says no. I ask if he had been disciplined and he said no. In his words, "I got yelled at a lot. But being me I just didn't care for it and would leave. They knew I don't deal with angry people too much and that I will walk away."

Those few words told me alot than maybe anything else. They told me that he had not learned conflict resolution. Which could maybe explain why he saw people as black and white, good and bad. Why his relationships with his exes were purely bad. I think you can infer the rest about not gaining conflict resolution and what that could mean. Another aspect was him walking away, being somewhat avoidant instead of addressing the issue.

I was someone he felt attached to, like he could not run away from. So instead he offers me a submissive apology. But in a sense he is still running away from taking actual responsibility through action. He is under the impression that he himself is black and white, good or bad. In a lot of ways that makes me feel sad. That he devalues himself and thinks he is incapable, unworthy, a waste of time and that he messes up a lot. I wonder who told him that. But as much as I want to fix him, I also realize it is not my job. I am not his mother. Which brings me back to my point.

I told him that when he apologizes to me he is creating a parent-child dynamic between us. I said I really do not like the fact that he doesn't see himself as my equal.

I try to explain, as a parent would, that not all conflict requires an apology. I don't want him to take everything I say as criticism that should shake his core or that I am going to leave. I rambled on a bit.

I realized yesterday that the ways he aims to support me, it creates more stress for me. It makes me feel less like he understands and more like I need to confront issues alone or with someone else. I don't necessarily view him as capable. And lately I feel like trying to lecture about what everything means takes twice as long. I do share the tools, podcasts that help me with my learning path forward and he is unwilling. He says if I am there we can listen to it, so that I can explain it to him. (Which would be the same as me lecturing him.)

He says I will work on it, I understand where it could be damaging. Followed by, I guess it feels like you don't want to be friends with me. Followed by, Its fine its just my opinion or how I feel. Don't dwell on it.

I say it has been hard lately, but your honesty is important to me. I wish I had the words to explain how I feel.

So ofc I do the digging and find multiple podcasts, which I shared above. the first was Ep 207 of Close the Chapter. I shared to him too and say, "IK you wont listen to this lol", but secretly I am hoping he will prove me wrong. He doesn't.

I ask if he remembers a conversation a few months ago about attachment styles. We had both realized we show elements of anxious avoidance. He was new to the concept, but I wasn't and had realized our friendship was going to be hard.

It manifests itself by his typical clinginess, constantly wanting a text back, and asking for me to share what I am doing. This subsequently results in me, half exhausted, avoiding and texting him back when is more convenient. I have a more busy lifestyle comparatively.

I tell him I think taking this knowledge into account, our relationship is going to take immense work and deep conversations. Stuff that I do not have the tools to facilitate alone.

He asks if I really want to go through that. That he doesn't want to waste my time anymore.

I can almost feel him retreating back into his shell. I beg him not to internalize this as his fault. I say in this scenario, you are a victim too, also robbed of proper parents. I want him to see this knowledge as a tool and as hope that there is an answer. It makes me feel less crazy as I have a name for it.

He says " Well I'd rather take all the blame. I will get over it hahaha. I always do."

That kind of breaks my heart. He took what I said the wrong way completely.

I ask if he can maybe look into what we talked about, research as well. He said, "I don't really know much. I'll just talk about my opinion or my view against what you say." I felt more disheartened.

... After listening to the podcasts I had a few take aways.

Firstly, that you can heal with someone. They just need to be taking the same steps as you. Cuz say you begin to have more secure mindsets, a negatively attached person can make you take steps back rather than forward.

Another is that child- parent dynamics can often switch. I think in my relationship with my ex, I was more the child at times. He viewed me as someone that needed guidance on everything. It might have also been a narcassistic trait. It clashed with my avoidance a bit and my idea that I can do everything by myself.

It reminded me of my relationship with my mother. I think I viewed her as emotionally unavailable to me. She would hide her resentment towards me when she was mad. I felt like I would not be loved unless I proved my use. The parentification podcast does a better job at explaining what that is like. But I basically raised my sister, and she thanked me for that a few weeks ago. I did not realize at the time why that was somewhat off-putting to me. How I felt like that role I played was not one I should have. Now I do.