New beginnings p2

Curiousity breeds fear

In an effort to be curious, an anxiety breeds itself. That familiar heart racing feeling when discovering something seemingly new while revisiting past instances of inadequacies. Simply put, it is hard to explore the new without revisiting the old.
There is a lot of fear I hold. Lots of fear of fear.

Rational: I suppose it's common to be afraid. It begs the question: how is it overcome?
Perhaps it is achieved literally through simpleness. Tackling achievable dragons until the size of the snowball you have grown is large enough to defeat what was once unimaginable. It's hard however to simplify one's life into just facts and truths. Perhaps that is the point of dialogue. Either with yourself in written form such as this or with another you trust.
Another issue is the who you tell. Telling someone who does not believe that you can, would be detrimental to your beginning. Unless you have the self determination to prove them wrong through your success. I think it depends on the situation and their level of association to you. How much they love you. And their tendencies towards displaying that love.

Back to my fear of inadequacies.

It is something rooted in childhood. I have always been grossly empathetic to the needs of others and evaluated how I should behave in turn. Perhaps self awareness was my downfall. Similar to when Adam and Eve recognized their own nakedness they finally felt their shame.
I saw the looks on peoples faces, the silent whispers, the laughs, a quick reply from my mom. All of it added to me seeing myself as inadequate. And I equated that to an inadequacy that would only play out in every aspect of my life forever! Dramatic kind of.
Honestly it led to a deep depression. Sourced from recognizing that one who cannot communicate cannot be successful in life.
(I know there are a variety of counter-arguments to this. Which is part of the reason I have grown. Humans have a tendency to overcome.) It was an immature mindset, but one I held so close to me for so long that it kind of took over. I secluded myself, in fear I was doing a favor to everyone else. So they would feel less obligation.
I desired death constantly. So no more resources would have been wasted on a "worthless" me. An individual who wouldn't have amounted to much or simply leeched off someone else. Which is not in my nature either, but I felt I would always need help somehow. A phone call for example. Having it be another person rather than me.

Now for the anxiety

My anxiety is sourced in the future. The so far future of a future me that is so unimaginable to me I won't even dream it, unless I be disappointed by the outcome.
If I examine the past to predict the future that is almost worse: The hours in therapy reciting elementary sentences even though I was well grown, that feeling of judgement or pity. I never want to be looked down on like that again. But I do not know if an age will ever make me stop feeling that. Just like a number in a bank account cannot equate to happiness or security. I do admit I have grown. I stutter less. Significantly less. But, what if my life is simply perfect right now but the second I seek to change, it crumbles as before?
I think now of how prosperous economic societies have the most anxiety, this is the reason, the greater the height to fall from.

I will try though. Identify the goal and you have a higher likelihood to achieve it. Shoot and aim. Practice. Study. Be curious. And have conversations. Many. I doubt all will be good. Or result in as much support as I'd like. But fuck. I have to try.

*Exhales*
Fuckk.