New beginnings p2

Junes almost over

Welp. One of these days maybe this diary of sorts and the rest of my writings will be deleted. Lost to the black hole of the internet. I doubt anything is really deleted, just lost/ disconnected.
My fear is that someone close to me discovers these archives and then I'd be forced to confront my inner most thoughts, which could end up messy. Or another fear is if I pass and these words are all that is remembered, I wouldn't be able to explain my mindset behind it. Ig I'd be scared to be an author and have my words dissected for hidden meanings. My words and thoughts are just Temporary and fleeting. We are ever changing beings I realized. More connected than we feel.

There was a really good podcast today. Even tho I'm sure I'd say that about most of them. It was exploring the call of religion and who is god. The rabbi described him as all things that are, were and could be. Something unnameable that just connects everything. And instead of saying nonbelievers and believers. Instead say, those who contemplate their existence and those who do not. I found that to be a more reassuring way. Ig religion to me can be a sort of mindfulness of one's actions. Looking at the big questions (values, virtues) rather than the simple ones. And just using your foundational judgements to decide decisions and if they are in your best interest.
I think that advice, mindfulness, and being grateful could help me ground myself. I never really understood the belief in god and a flawed system and flawed individuals. But now I think if I'm mindful, I could try to at least center myself and become more one. And that's a start.