New beginnings p2

Writing this put me in a bad mood haha

After that assessment I've been looking at myself differently. I had my mom read it on the car ride to Pasadena. Which was a good hour. She said she knew this about me at 3 years old and that she had to parent me differently. She said she used to propose things to me as a team effort because I didn't like being told what to do even then.
I told my friend Jim, and he was saying how he is very future oriented. He was a business consultant so it makes sense that that's where his strengths lie. We are opposites in that regard.

I realized that long text messages overwhelm me and usually I won't reply.
For example Jim's last text to me after getting surgery was :
"it was kind of tense though because I had to stay utterly still. Not knowing if or when it might be painful. On the plus side now I have 20/20 vision. The world looks so amazing and bright that I want to just laugh out loud with pure joy."

I have yet to reply because what do I even say to that. I feel elated for him. And a bit surprised that it took til 75 years old for him to be able to have 20/20 vision again. I don't know how to convey my thoughts into a few words. Usually I default to "oh okay. Ah okay. Nice."

I am frequently misunderstood because of my dry, two-worded responses. I am sure that people assume it is because I do not care. In reality I care so much that the idea of replying the wrong thing overwhelms me to the point where I don't reply.

A perfect example is when I ended up messing up a relationship back in January. I was at work and overthinking about our relationship and its longevity. I needed reassurance and for them to tell me that me being in their life added benefit. And the ways in which they benefitted my life. Maybe I'm weird for needing a reason, I don't really know why I do yet. Instead of being direct and saying that, I said, I'm not sure if I want to be in a relationship. And they said that they did and would need time. I think I gave them an okay or something and then blocked them.

I take awhile I process my feelings, situations and often I never confront things. I don't like back and forths. I am an avoider-type until I can fully process a situation and determine what to do.
I need alot of time. I think if they knew that, maybe the outcome would have been different. But it's hard to convey yourself through text. I'm sure I came off as uncaring in order to protect my vulnerabilities.

The way I show care is through my actions. I am an acts of service and quality time kind of person.  I do best when I'm able to physically be around someone. And often I distance myself if I don't see them everyday. Because in my head the likelihood it might be the last interaction I have increases with the distance between us.

I have also realized that I am oblivious to the details that form a big picture. I don't use the relationship between past events to draw conclusions on the future. Which might be why I overlooked some of my ex's bad behavior. I didn't take into account the many times they hurt me. I only looked at the present in each time they hurt me and the horrible feeling I felt. Or if the present was good then I only saw the good and excused the bad of the past as one offs.

A positive about myself multiple times is that I've heard : you seem to really care about me, for reasons other than what I can buy you or do for you.
I think that's because I'm not future oriented that I don't see what they could do for me. I only judge based on what they do for me in the present. And how I feel in that moment. I try not to imagine a bigger picture intentionally so that I am not disappointed when it all goes to shit haha.

Another thing tho is I'm not a huge fan of receiving gifts. It makes me think I owe someone something. I've never even liked Christmas because it meant I'd have to open gifts and act like I really liked them. Genuinely I was super grateful and would cherish everything but my face doesn't naturally convey it. I'm really just horrible at emotions.

I think from an early age I realized I am not nurturing. I may have been aware that someone was hurting but I realized I did not have the tools to help them feel better. My usual response was finding someone else to help them.
In the past I thought I was good at listening and comforting. But I realize now it was always a weakness.

I think people may not feel seen by me or loved. Perhaps because I'm always distracted by the next thing in front of me. Maybe to an extent I am naturally self obsessed or even a bit narcissistic. I don't like that idea.
Someone said it's just the walls I put up. My hard exterior while the inside hides all my care.

Genuinely I hope that's true and I hope more people are willing to get to know me. I hope to give them an easier route tbh. Someone said my interior is like a garden of flowers protected by a deep, dark, bottomless pit and there's a dragon in there. and I'm riding the dragon. Burning anyone who tries to get the where the flowers are. You can see the flowers but trying to get to them is like attempting to solve a rubric cube blindfolded. Every time you think you're getting somewhere I will re shuffle it and make it harder.