New beginnings p2

More drudgery

Lots on my mind recently. Nothing new on that front.

Being 21 as one might expect is difficult. It's middle ish ground where I'm an adult but in many ways I'm naive and stupid haha. I don't have the maturity nor do I understand my actions yet. I've began to understand myself more this past time. Through other people albeit. My fear of commitment. Hesitation towards love.
A part of me feels like I'm still shattered. But I do a hell of a job hiding it. I keep meeting people. Caring about them and letting them go again. It's so dumb. Like why does past drama affect future relationships so much. I want to just be the smart person I thought I was. But now I don't even know.

Ig for context.

Well I realized the other day. Before I really learned to have a proper relationship with the core people in my life, my family, I moved out. So having never had the chance to learn how to maintain proper relationships or friendships I got to where I am today. Which is friendless haha and very very independent. You'd think maybe this means I'm self sufficient. But oh no. I cling to whoever gives me the slightest bit of attention. Acts like they'll really care and be there for me. Haha. Yeah right. As I always say love does not exist.

I keep thinking recently of my ex. The times I'd be crying outside his house hoping he'd come talk to me. And him saying he'd call the police to get me removed. I just keep thinking he must've really hated me to do that.cuz personally I would never. It's like I was always the target of his anger. Which I feel was undeserved and unfair. Whatever abandonment issues I had prior I think were exasperated in that relationship. I've never felt so unwanted and yet desperate for approval. I didn't feel sane. I felt so heart broken. That just thinking about it makes my eyes well up. It's amusing really.
Ig that's why no relationship since has hurt nearly as much. So I classify them as I feel less. I dunno. Rn it's hard to express love. When people tell me they love me I don't say it back. If I don't feel I need to. My exes always want me to for some reason. So desperate to hear those words. I've come accustomed to just saying them. But not giving them the weight they deserve. I love you.. I don't believe in love. To me love is just hurt and the ability to feel more hurt.