White Noise // Noah Sebastian

2.

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   Sitting on the plane makes me feel horrible. It's a full flight and I have no wiggle room which makes me even more self conscious, like I was
taking up too much space. I'm bigger than other girls and I hate it. I hate my body and I hate how much room I feel like I take up. The way society makes women feel these days is so fucked up. I am 5 ft 8 and 210 pounds, and considered "plus size." I hate the way fat sits on my body, it causes a double chin, a larger stomach and thick thighs. I cover myself in tattoos not just because I love them, but it's an addiction to distract myself and tell myself I'm beautiful. My last boyfriend left because "I gained too much weight." two years ago and I have not tried again, scared of downgrading remarks, knowing deep down I don't deserve them.

  After Brandon and his downgrading remarks, three years into our relationship I became bulimic, causing me to lose 40 pounds over the next year until he dumped me. I have been in recovery for two years since our relationship ended. It's tough sometimes but I am powering through it. Brent is the only one who knows about it, and my sponsor tells me constantly I need a bigger support system. Trying to ignore everyone on the plane, I look out the window as we touch ground, so happy to not be in the
air any longer.  

  "Brent!" I ran towards my brother's car and gave him a hug. Brent is just like me, he's actually my twin. Instead of just one troublemaker, my mother was blessed with birthing two. "Hey bud! How was your flight?" He asks as he loaded up the trunk with my luggage. "You know I hate flights." I tease as I sat in the car. I continue to tell him all about Noah and my projects at the brokers' office with my father.

Even though Brent and I are twins we definitely took different routes in our lives. Besides both of us being great students all through college and becoming successful, he's more like our father. More hard headed and always working. The only reason he is not in my position is because he wanted to become a lawyer, and that impressed my father, but refused to not have one of his children in the company.

"So, this Noah guy.." Oh here we go. "Person of interest?" He wiggled his eyebrows as I laughed. "You make him sound like a criminal. Besides, I don't know the guy and it's not like I'll ever see him again. But I liked his vibe, he was covered in tattoos and probably likes the same music we do." Brent kept his eyes on the rode focusing on the road but listening intently, not daring to push the subject since this is going no where. "Mom's excited to see you. Ever since dad moved the business to Knoxville years ago she's been missing you. You should come around more than once a year. She's upset you are only staying for the weekend." He glanced over at me. We always had this conversation. "I understand but it goes both ways." We sat in a comfortable silence until we pulled into my brother's house. We walked in, my brother trailing behind me with my suitcase. I was greeted by his roommate Cal.

"Avery!" He embraced me into a hug. Cal has been my brother's best friend since kindergarten and is family at this point, 19 years later. "Cal! How are you! Still bouncing around between bands?" Cal always had a passion for music, he's responsible for my love for the music I listen to and has had a couple breaks touring with bands as stage crew. "I'm good! It's so good to see you! Unfortunately, I leave for tour tomorrow but our second show is actually here in town, you guys should come out. Your favorite band is actually the headliner.." He trailed off closing his ears preparing for me to squeal. I may be 27 years old but always a fan girl at heart. This lifestyle doesn't leave you no matter what you tell yourself. "How did I not know Ice Nine Kills were going to be here when I am?" I shook my head knowing I've been out of the loop due to work. "Because you live under a fucking rock." My brother joking, earning a punch in the arm. "I'm going to go unpack, I'll catch you guys later."

I find my way to the guest room in my brother's new house. I is a good sized room with minimal, but pretty modern decor. His fiancee Kat is an amazing interior designer. She is actually at a design show in L.A. right now and when she gets back, Cal will be moving out into his own place. I lied on my stomach and pulled out my laptop, researching this amazing tour I apparently had no clue about.

Ice Nine Kills
Beartooth
Bad Omens

Obviously INK is my favorite, but Beartooth is very top on that list, as for Bad Omens, I have never heard of them. I'm excited to discover a new band. The day went on and Brent, Cal and I decided to visit my mother, which was pleasant except for the continuous comments regarding my weight and I need a boyfriend, in response I always tell her I do not need a man. After we all went to some upscale restaurant that my mother insisted we all go to, I climbed into bed exhausted from the long day I had.

  The next morning I am up and well rested, Brent wants us to go visit our grandparents and mother again but I protested and want the day to myself since now we are going to a concert tonight. What do I wear? I must have tried on fifteen outfits, self conscious in each one. I stood in the mirror and stared at myself naked before I tried on another outfit. Disgusting. I put on the next outfit which turned out to be a black long sleeve v neck and dark denim jeans with black cowboy boots. I sure am back in Texas. This outfit is the best one yet and makes me feel sightly more confident. I started curling my hair when I heard a knock on my bedroom door and Brent strutting right in. "I love the outfit, Av!" He always made me feel confident and helped me not feel so self conscious while we were out. My own hype man. "We're going to head out in about an hour, okay?" I nodded as he gave me a small smile and headed out the door. I continue to curl my hair and start my makeup, choosing some blush, eyeliner, mascara and a dark plum lipstick. I actually felt good.

  We make our way to the venue, Cal getting us in the side door, handing us VIP passes. "Ave, do you want to meet them?" I put the hard breaks on and stood in place as I looked at Cal. I slowly nodded, nervous that I was about to meet the guys, even if I know they are just people..that got me through a lot. I suddenly became self conscious again, wondering what they would think of me. We made our way backstage to the green room. Ice Nine Kills and Beartooth and a few others are hanging out, assuming that was part of Bad Omens. Cal introduced us to Beartooth first. "I'm Caleb." Caleb Shomo introduced himself. This man's lyrics have gotten me through so fucking much and I don't know how to tell him without crying, so I left it alone. He's the reason I decided to start my recovery. I met the rest of the band after hugging Caleb and then Ice Nine Kills cracking jokes and good talks with all of them, and part of Bad Omens. All such nice guys. I turned around to leave the green room not wanting to over stay my welcome until a tall, lanky guy in a white tank and skinny jeans, covered in tattoos walks in and locked eyes with mine.

Noah?