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As Shan neared the campfire, her legs took her to the inside of the empty barn where she had been hoping to find peace in the darkness.
Instead, her eyes flickered up to meet Inej's, caught in surprise at the sight of her gingerly slipping her jacket back on.
Concern flashed in the womans eyes. Shan must have looked a sorry sight because the first thing she asked her was,
"Are you alright?"
Shan instead came out with the first words that popped into her head.
"I know you're leaving."
The crestfallen expression on the Suli girls face had the woman closing her eyes at her lack of sugarcoating the feelings she had been dreading confronting. All throughout her talk with Kaz it had lingered in the back of her mind like a storm cloud.
Her gaze softened. "I can't lie to you, can I?"
She approached her. A wavering smile lifted her lips despite her eyes not reflecting it.
"It's alright, Inej." She murmured. "You know that, don't you?"
"Then why doesn't it feel like it?" She whispered sadly.
Overcome with emotion, Shan just pulled the girl into a careful hug, wary of her injury. In turn she wrapped her arms around her even tighter and buried her nose into the crook of her neck. She let out a slow exhale in the white haired girls arms, feeling more at home than she had in a long time. It made the decision even more difficult.
As they pulled away, Inej's hands trailed to her elbows. They held eachother still.
There was already a sense of loss sitting inside her hollow chest as she committed every detail of the Suli girl to memory.
"I wish I could change your mind," she murmured softly, sadly, her expression wilting slightly.
She pressed her lips into a thin line and glanced down at the floor, oil black eyelashes fanning closed against her cheeks for a long moment. Then, as if struck by a thought, she fixed the white haired girl with a hopeful sense of urgency, thick eyebrows drawn in.
"Tell me everything will be okay," Inej suddenly asked her, squeezing her arms gently. "when we return to ketterdam?"
If we all return together.
Shan hesitated, eyes scanning the hopeful sense of loss on her pretty face.
She opened her mouth to say it would all be fine, just as she wanted to, but deep down the girl knew she could not.
Her eyes fluttered closed as she rested her forehead against hers with a sigh.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I wish I could."
But the truth was she had had a bad feeling anytime she even thought of returning home, unsure why but also knowing that it meant something. Although she wished she could tell inej things would be fine, she would only be lying, and she could not lie to her.
