The Forgotten Ones

College Days

Song: The Roads by Jonah Kagen

Willa

I have been having more dreams. All of them don't make sense and when I try to think about it, it only makes my head hurt. The dreams are all different but with the same voice. The person is faceless but seems so familiar. Each time, I wish for more time. More time to have that feeling. A feeling of wanting and being wanted. I feel like I'm floating in each of the dreams but they all end the same. 

I wake up. 

I'm worried about today. I have to tell my parents I will be with Alexander today. I don't know how to feel about it because I know that they don't like Alexander. They don't like talking about him and just choose to ignore that he exists. But I know that Alexander is a trigger or has something to do with my memories. And if I want to remember what happened to me, I need his help. I know that the doctors have been telling me to take things slow but it's been months and  I still haven't made much progress. I hate being left on the back burner, pretending that nothing has happened when I lost my memories and missing a large chunk of my life. 

Obviously, something happened and I have to find out what that is. 

Alexander wants to meet at around 4 which means that I have a few hours to find room to tell my parents. But still, that didn't stop my nerves. I don't know how to start that conversation. They don't like Alexander so I know that they won't like what I am doing no matter how I stage the conversation. But still, I wanted to ease into it. 

My dad was at the dining table, reading a newspaper, most likely catching up on the football scores while my mom was in the kitchen, humming a toon and making a cup of coffee. It felt like I was back to being 15 and in high school. I would be doing my homework and probably asking my parents for help even though they weren't really that helpful either way. 

Right now, I felt like I was about to ask my parents to allow me to go on a date with a boy they don't know about except they know Alexander and I am not 15 anymore. 

I look at them both before I enter their view and take a deep breath. 

"Mom, dad, I have something to say," I announce. My dad looks up at me and my mom turns around, her cup of coffee in hand and her tune now silent. 

"What is it, hun?" My mom asks, clueless as to what I was about to say. 

I try to choose my words carefully as I begin to talk, afraid to say the wrong thing. "First, I want to remind you both that I am grown. I know from right and wrong and that I can make my own decisions. I know it's been a struggle for all of us after everything that has happened but I also don't have to keep doing things like everything is normal. So, I have been thinking. If I want to remember I have to seek out my own way to find answers." 

I pause for a moment, looking back and forth between them. My dad had set the paper on the table and my mom was not disinterested in her cup of coffee. I was worried about the next words I was about to say. 

"I am going to see Alexander today. He somehow triggers something in my brain and I feel like I am close to unlocking that block in my mind. And I know you are both going to be upset but I cannot keep living in the dark. I am done wandering around aimlessly." 

My dad shook his head and said, "No. Absolutely not. I will not let you be around that man." My mom then walked into the dining room, a look of worry and confusion on her face. "I agree, Willa. We simply cannot allow you to be around him. You may not understand now but we just can't let you around him." She says, trying to comfort me. I grew irritated though. 

They always seem to try to think about what is good for me but let me make my own decisions. 

"Then let me understand what is wrong with this? I am a grown woman and I can make my own choices. I know that Alexander has somehow done something wrong but no one around me will tell me what it is. So please, explain what I shouldn't be allowed to meet with him and I won't go." I was heated but I also had to show them my point of view. They didn't understand what it is like to walk in this world, feeling so empty. I am trying to find my life back but they are not letting me.