Heartbroken

Remembrance

Lindsey was glad it was dark in the bedroom, as he wouldn't have been able to hide his surprise, when Stevie kissed him. It didn't go any further, it was very simple, just a touch of lips, but he knew it meant something. He wished for nothing more than to understand what was going on in her head, but he was afraid that if he asked, he would ruin whatever progress they had made. She snuggled up by his side as he put an arm around her protectively and they drifted off to sleep easily. It had to be the first time in over a month for both of them.

The next morning, as every other, Alice without knocking flung the door to Stevie's bedroom open, to wake her mother up, and then they would lay in bed and eat breakfast, until it was absolutely necessary to get up. But now... Alice stopped dead in her tracks, confusion written all over her face.

"Dad?" She said loud enough to wake her parents up.

They jolted up in bed, without the slightest idea of how to go on about this. "Morning, sweetheart." Stevie smiled, beckoning her to sit down on the bed. 

"Why is Dad here?" She wasn't going to let it go. "Did you stay?"

"I... Yeah. It was, umm..."

"It was very late when we were done talking last night and I didn't want your father to be driving in the middle of the night, so I suggested he stayed."

"Yes, that's what happened." Lindsey nodded.

"I'm just going to go."

"What? Why, Alice?"

"This..." She pointed at her parents. "This is weird. This is confusing me."

Stevie sighed, turning to Lindsey. "Is it worth it?"

"What is?" He knew this was hard for her, but he also saw how she was trying to make things better. 

"Messing with our daughter's head for example? What are we doing here?"

"Stevie, you were the one who wanted me to stay with you last night. I don't have any idea what it is we're doing, all I know is that it was nice. Having you by my side, before falling asleep... I miss that. I never wanted to divorce you."

"I don't want to talk about it. Not now."

"What do you want from this?" Lindsey took her hand, running his thumb over her knuckles. 

"I liked having you here."

"Didn't seem to me like you did, Steph."

"I was trying to push you away, it's easier when you hate me."

"I've never hated you. And I'm sorry, but I'm a little lost, you wanted, but you didn't want me here. How does that work?"

"If I let you in, I'll fall in love with you."

"Wouldn't be the worst thing to happen, would it?" 

"I don't know. You broke my heart, Lindsey. You hurt me so much."

"How many times can I say that I'm sorry?"

Stevie got out of bed to close the bedroom door that Alice left open. "It doesn't help."

"What do I have to do? Tell me, because I'll do it. Anything for you." 

"If you have the power of turning back time..."

"You know I can't do that. Stevie, you know I regret it more than anything. What I did, took you away from me. I fucked up like never before then, I get it, but what's done is done."

"Unfortunately." She lay down again, not pushing his hand away, that settled on her hip. 

"Baby, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's been almost ten years, but I still curse myself for it every single day."

"I don't think I ever asked you why? When I needed you more than ever, Lindsey... I had just suffered a miscarriage and you left me alone and went out to get high and wasted, and you fucked other women. You knew how much I wanted that baby. Lindsey, I was seven months pregnant, when I lost her. I was depressed, I thought of suicide and you... You just left me."

Every word was like a knife to his heart. "I was just as devastated as you were, Steph, but I chose the worst way to get over the pain."

"How many women replaced the loss of our child?"

"Don't do this, please..." 

"I forgave you, Lindsey. You swore to me you would never cheat on me again! And I was stupid enough to believe you. It was okay for a while, we were able to lead a happy family life of sorts, until you fucked it up again. And you said you've never hated me..."

No words could justify his actions, so he stayed silent, shocked she let him hold her. After a few moments, she looked up to find him crying. She could easily count the times she saw him crying on one hand. 

"Tears won't solve our problems, Lindsey." Despite saying that, she circled her arms around his middle, laying her head on his chest. "I lied. I've always been in love with you and I still am. Even when you came home every night smelling of another woman's perfume. I only love my children more than you, Lindsey. You're right behind them. Tell me, what did I ever do to you to treat me like I was worthless?"

"Nothing, you didn't do anything wrong. I just... I don't deserve you."

"No, I don't think you do. But I can't help loving you so much either."

"How can you even say that? After everything I've put you through? How can your lips form those words for me, Stevie?" He tilted her chin up, caressing her face, as her own eyes were filled with tears. "What does it take for you to let me in again? To let me love you?"

"I need time. Yesterday... Taylor coming back, finding out about Lynn... It was all so emotional and then you came, it felt like family. I honestly thought I could do this, that I could give us another chance. Now though, remembering that horrible period of time, I'm not so sure anymore."

"I won't push you, I'll stay quiet, but by your side. I'll be there for you and love you until you decide you can too." 

"If I decide I can love you too..." She said and pulled away from him.