My Life with Death

Hoover's University of Science and History (HUSH), December 16, 2018

9:40 p.m.

I went somewhere I thought I would never step foot again. I thought that fear would not allow me to set foot there again because, despite all the beautiful and inspiring memories, only one thing always came to mind: that day when I lay here on the hot roof tiles in a pool of my blood. That day, as the sun was setting, I felt the searing heat stabbing right into my heart and a sudden cold touch throughout my body.

I went there every night, whenever the sun went down. I loved how, over that piece of desert every day, the yellow alternated with orange, the other with pink, which finally turned purple into blue, and the even bluer sleeping star-studded sky. But now the sun was not shining. It was long over the horizon. Instead, the sky was lit up by stars and a porcelain-white moon that seemed even more prominent against the spotlight-lit skyline of the desert city. I carefully made my way to the end of the edge of the wall. Below me was nothing but emptiness and nothing more. But the view was worth it. This rooftop had one of the most beautiful views in Las Vegas.

I sat down and let gravity pull my legs. I was watching. I was looking into the distance as far as my eyes could see to the desert plains, the stone valleys, and the sky with hundreds of shining stars. In the moonlight, I looked at the surreal image before me, on a panorama of the city as if cut out of wild imaginations and impetuous brushstrokes of an emotional artist from the times that were most precious to him.

I knew that no one would get me out of there. I felt so calm. It was strange. I was sitting two meters from where I almost died, yet I felt safe.

Then I watched the same stars with lifeless pupils. I couldn't feel the feeling I was feeling now. I felt so alive. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I couldn't even describe it. I couldn't express my feelings, but I thought about them. I felt the world around me.

10:03 p.m.

Christine came to me. She knew where to look for me. Even though I liked being here alone, it was no secret where I went to clear my head and settle my thoughts. She sat down on the same wall where I was sitting and hugged me tightly with her hands. We sat there together and gazed at the beauty that lay before us.

Tears were streaming down my face. "I am sorry. I didn't want to yell at you. It's been too much for me lately," I said tearfully. She had just smiled, which to me was more than if she said anything. We couldn't stay mad at each other for long. It didn't work. We were so close.

I couldn't sleep knowing I yelled at her and didn't even apologize. I always wanted to protect her, even from myself.