My Life with Death

Dulles International Airport, Washington, D.C.

 I entered a vast airport hall full of chaos-driven people. In the endless crowd of arrivals and departures, people talking on the phone, saying goodbye to their counterparts, and rushing to their plane, I don't even know why I was hoping to glimpse Kent. I imagined him standing in the middle of a massive glass hall between metal staircases and gift shops, holding a bouquet of blue roses—my favorite—and me walking up to him, his beautiful smile warming my heart. I missed him, but I didn't want to go back. I didn't want him to see my weakness.

I wondered how I would behave if I saw him in the crowd. As if I would kiss, hug, or slap him in the face. Christine fell asleep in my arms after a long flight. It was slipping from my hands, and so was the bag on my shoulder. I looked at her dark skin, which she inherited from her father. I sat on the first free bench on the right side of the hall.

I needed my hands free to do something I had been putting off for a long time. I thought about it the whole way on the plane but didn't dare to do it.

I took out a sheet of paper and a pencil from my bag. On my knee, I wrote the words that were on my heart. I very quickly crumpled the paper and smeared the text on it with tears. I was still wishing he would come and, at the same time, hoping he wouldn't. How to get to him, but to get the letter so I don't have to talk to him. I didn't sit still with nervousness. My hand and my whole body were shaking. Christine couldn't sleep anymore either. She sensed my nervousness.

I took her in my arms again, got into a taxi before the airport terminal, and drove towards the center. I only said "center"; I didn't know where I wanted to go. I had no other home. I needed to organize my thoughts to continue my investigation.

I already knew where ex-agent Wilcke lived. That was my next step. I needed to talk about the case with someone unbiased. We passed by the glow of the lanterns, which floated above their reflections in the murky Potomac and whose outlines glowed still more because the setting sun rested upon them.

December 18, 2018, 3:19 p.m.

"You were so close. And suddenly, you're so far away."

- You know who

December 18, 2018, 5:50 p.m.

I got off a few streets from the house. I stood before my house for several minutes and did not want to go inside. Thoughts raced through my head. I couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't turn it off. I pressed the paper in my hand and stared at the door. I slowly approached the mailbox with my hand, but I hesitated. I looked at Christine.

"What about you?" I asked. "You can't be with me. It's not safe," I added.

I put Chrisy on her feet before the door and put the letter in her hand. I grabbed the bag tightly, rang the bell, and sprinted. I ran on and on. I ran a few hundred meters before stopping and taking a deep breath.

"Ryan...

I am reconciled to death and equally determined to live. I don't want to throw my life away, and I don't want to lose you, but if I have to, I will. I will do it for you to protect you. I love you, but this love. You proved how deeply you love me.

I remember every proof of your love and faithfulness. But what is happening today is destroying our lives. I don't want Christine to suffer, and I don't want you to suffer. Like never before, I have to take her away and can't use her. I can't. I can't stop. If I stop, I will die right now! And I can't do that. I have to finish this. Finish it before it's too late.

I've wasted too much time already. I can't wait any longer. He has to face his weakness, and that's one thing. For the last time. To be able to continue. At least for a while. I need closure so we can be together again and family again. Forever. Please don't be angry with me and forgive me for all this. I have always loved you, and I will never stop loving you. Forever."

Alexis