Bittersweet Symphony

Chapter 78 - Family Man?

On our way home, Alister seemed to be trying his best to make up with me. I was still angry. I knew he and Astin agreed to keep me out of the loop before this trip. I hadn't heard from Astin since he said he was going to be out of town for a few weeks. I knew that was a lie. I'd been on a run past his place and his car was still there. A smart person would hide it or drop it off somewhere else.

"Music?" Alister asked.

"Why not," I muttered. I turned on the radio, but I didn't take my eyes off the road. The station was playing an old favorite of mine, and I couldn't help but feel a twinge of nostalgia. It was the song I'd always listened to when I first met my ex-fiancé, before I realized how much of a jerk he really was.

Alister glanced over at me, then back at the road. "You know, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about meeting with Astin," he said. "I didn't think it mattered."

"It mattered," I said, not taking my eyes off the road. "It mattered a lot."

He sighed. "I know. And I'm sorry. But you have to understand, we were just trying to protect you."

He turned down a side street, the tires of the car hissing on the wet pavement. "Protect me from what?" I asked, more annoyed than I intended. "From myself? From the truth?"

Alister shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Both, actually. We didn't want you to get hurt."

I laughed, but it came out bitter. "Oh, so you thought lying to me was the best way to do that?" I asked. "Because that's really worked out well so far."

He winced. "Look, I know I messed up. I just want you to know that I'm sorry, and that I'll do better."

"Do better," I repeated. "That's all I've ever asked of you. I admit to all the mistakes I've made, but all you've done is ridicule me. I'm tired of it."

We drove in silence for a few blocks. The rain had picked up, the wipers squeaking against the windshield. Alister reached over, taking my hand in his. I pulled it away.

"Don't fucking touch me."

His hand dropped to the steering wheel. "Fine," he said, his voice strained. "Then let me make it up to you. I'll do anything you want. Just tell me what it is."

I turned to look at him, my eyes narrowed. "You mean that?"

He nodded. "Yes, I mean it."

I thought about it for a moment. There were so many things I wanted to say, to do. But there was one thing that had been bothering me more than anything else. "I want to know why," I said. "Why did you keep changing your mind about us? About me?"

Alister looked uncomfortable. "I'm not sure how to explain it," he began. "It wasn't that I didn't love you. I mean, I did. I do. But...things changed. I guess I wasn't ready for all of it. For us."

I stared out the window, watching the rain streak down the glass. "What changed?" I asked. "Because it sure feels like you're more in love with your work than me."

He was confusing me. When was he going to stop? I wake up one day and he's so nice to me. He's willing to do anything for me. He defended me the last time my parents tried stomping on me. I wake up another day and he's jumping down my throat. Everything I do triggers him. I can't leave the house without him wondering if I'm going to see Astin.

I need some consistency in my life. Between my parents hiding something, me lying to the world, and Alister's wishy-washy feelings, I don't have anything to cling to for stability. Everyday is something new to me. I can't get into a routine that assures me that I'll be fine. It's frustrating.