random shit and thoughts

Little Blurb >>

(This is me sharing my thoughts because I'm kinds in a tough time and I need to let this shit out <3)

Alright, I get it.
"Your so skinny, you have nothing to worry about."
"Your legs are so small!"
"Your body hair is blonde, your so lucky."
"Look how tiny you are! I wish to be as cute as you."
"Your so funny,"

Maybe I may be underweight like every girls dream, but it's a nightmare.
Everyone walking by, big chests, pretty hair.
Nobody cared for the scrawny flat girl.
So I worked more on personality,
I told jokes, I searched lyrics.
I was kinder to people, I cared more about my actions.

But I'm not happy.
Little 4th grade me was happy.
Hello kitty lover, she would play with her dolls every day after school. She didn't care if she was 9, she still let her mom dress her and draw with her.
She wore her favorite rainbow trolls dress for graduation with a big crooked smile.
She would never cry over things unless it was a injury.
She would bring a teddy bear to school, hug it, and make it her only friend.
She would scribbling colored drawings on the wall, not knowing her style.

But honestly, ever since, I've never found myself.
I don't know who I am, I'm different with everyone.
I want to be liked.
I want to be loved,
So, I changed.
I changed every hint about me.
I changed my style, I wore simple long sleeve shirts and pants.
I changed my voice, interests.
I would spend hours a day googling new slang and lyrics,
Just to fit in.
It worked.
I was liked.
Liked in 6th grade.

But 5th grade, being made fun of, everyone knew everything about me.
My childish self, gave up. Sealed away.
People told me things every day after day, insults.
"Just a joke"
I cried. Cried every night.
But after that, I became a wimp, a target.
I changed again.
I changed to not showing any emotion at school.
Be honest, have you ever seen my cry at school?
No.
Maybe when I fell, or got a bad grade, but I've never cried over my mental issues.
And things got worse at home, way worse.
Nobody was there.

I cried, more and more.
Draining out my tears for the next year.
Now I tuck away my hello kittys, I hide my stuffies.
I get rid of any evidence of a faze I had.
I take down cringy drawings, I sell my dresses.
I fought more, I was more mean to my family,
I tried putting my time into learning to types of music,
I began changing my looks, getting haircuts.
I read books for the first time, I listened to music way more.
I hid in the shadows, from being a loud cute little girl to a misread ugly person.
I became worse.
But one stayed by my side.
I tucked away my old personality, nobody knows who I am.
It's all my fault. I'm sorry.
I'm not the perfect person, I get that.
Nobody knows how much words hurt.

Sometimes, just sometimes my little inner child would peak out with my closest friends.
Usually,
I would get shut down.
"Your so loud."
"Be quiet."
"You talk to much"
"Stop being annoying".

Luckily I don't deal with that anymore, I'm numb.
Everything bottled up now.
Waiting to explode at the wrong moments.
And if your reading this,
I'm sorry.
Sorry for being childish, rude, or annoying towards you.
And __ I'm sorry for being to sensitive and taking your "jokes" to hard.
I'm sorry for being un smart, and taking things too far.
I'm sorry for being naive, being to clingy. Too jealous.

But if you are the type of the person I smile to, maybe act sillier to you.
You know your a real friend of mine.