"Love .."

015

My hands tremble in shock and fear, i sat on the floor hopelessly trembling in fear with tears streaming down my red cheeks — why must i always have to end up like this

The agonizing pain in the back of my head and the pain in my heart drew an intense sensation and feeling of emptiness i cant even explain, even though my legs felt numb and weak and my head felt a throbbing pain i still somehow felt nothing in my soul

I felt hopeless once again and felt as if all of my dignity was stolen from my grip quickly before i could even argue back

My trembling hands covered my mouth as warm salty tears coursed it while falling down, the more i cried it started sounding more and more as sobs as the emptiness started fading away. I could hear my thoughts start becoming more and more louder and intense almost like the words were yelling at me

I did it to myself .
I should've never pushed him more and more.
I knew what was to come but i kept going.
Now look at me.
Here i am again.
Here I am again.
Here i am Again.
Here i am AGAIN.

The sour feeling of guilt took over me and i could feel the panic attack start to creep in once again, the heavy breathing, the sobs, the thoughts in my head starting to take on yelling and intense screams

Every thing was to much and i just wanted to die right then and there, nothing was holding me back anyway

I closed my eyes to shut out the thoughts and i started breathing out my mouth letting the hot course breath flood the insides of my hand, i didn't think about anything i just kept breathing and letting my eyes rest until i drifted off to sleep

***

By the time i had woken up the large landscape window placed in the back of the library was no longer golden yellow and was now a navy blue color. As i fluttered my eyes open i opened to see an middle aged woman standing in front of me - probably the librarian

"Cmon, im getting ready to close the library for the night" she said

There was a long pause as i looked up at her forgetting that i needed to make out an actual sentence or at least a word

"O-oh i-im sorry, yeah i'll leave" the words stumbled from my mouth almost like they were scared to escape out

"Are you okay ?" She questioned

"Y-yeah just tired" i said as i got up

As i rose up onto my feet, i realized the numbness and weakness was finally gone

"Are you sure, d-do you have a dorm or.."

" yeah its right on the other campus, i-im gonna go now" i said awkwardly

"O-okay be safe" she said

"Mhm" i muttered

I then turned my back and slowly walked off, as i walked off i realized the pain i oh so felt just maybe a couple of hours ago was finally long gone, the emptiness that pierced my heart so harshly has now disappeared. The tears that painted my face and stung my cheeks were now all dried up

But one thing can never just disappear like everything else did, my memory of it all, that will knowingly haunt me forever

***

I unlocked the door to my junky dorm that i lonesomely share with no one, i stepped on clothes that made up half of my room and essay papers that i will probably wish i never had stepped on, i threw my backpack onto my bed which already had piles of useless things laying on top of it