"Love .."

017

My eyes fluttered open to the feeling of someone shaking me awake, i saw brianna shaking me awake and trying to talk to me, i sat up in confusion to why she was in my dorm. As i sat up and started gaining consciousness i felt the cold floor that i somehow ended up on send cold shivers down my spine

"C'mon sit up, what's going on with you" she asked

My eyebrows furrowed as i rubbed my eyes that still had left over mascara on them

"W-what are you doing here" i askrf

"I came to check up on you, we hadnt spoken in a while"

"What do you mean check up on me"

She hesitated and glanced at the floor

"Im worried about you" she said as she looked at me with a concerned expression and petted my hair

I brushed her arm away and began to stand up

"Well theres no reason for you to be worried"

I stood up and stretched my arms that were sore, i looked around my messy dorm and started looking around for my backpack as she crouched onto thw floor where i slept

"So then why are you wearing that hoodie" she asked

I blankily blinked confused on what she was referring to then i looked down at what i was wearing, i realized how easyily she found me out from just a quick look at my hoodie, now there was no reason for me to even try and hide it anymore , she knows im not fine

I looked down at her oblivious on what to say, since there was nothing that could back me up, i mean if i tried to lie even more that would just make me an asshole who thinks my best friend is stupid—but that never does stop me from trying to— which shes not but, no matter what my first nature is to lie, which i should probably start questioning

She stood up and looked me in the eye with the most serious expression I've ever seen her in a long time which sent shivers down my spine. There was a long pause as we stood and stared at each other, she burned a hole into my face just from her eyes that read that she knew every secret i held onto every since i was five, which she probably does but its still scary

"I"  pause  "ran out of clean clothes"

The moment the words escaped my mouth i could feel it in my bones that i made the wrong decision to lie, that was the most non believable lie i ever told. And just from the stare that she gave me i can tell she didn't believe it either

"How long do you plan on lying to me"

I cowardly glanced down at my floor as I disrespectfully shrugged my shoulders

" i mean fuck Alyssa, i know you, you cant lie to me, i can read you like a book"

I acratched my nose

"Are you sure" i asked

"Yes why wouldn't i"

"I dont know i just thought since you've been so far up tiana's ass i j-

"Alyssa ! Cmon why are you doing this just tell me whats wrong"

Fuck, now im just poking the bear more and more

The silence that filled the room now was unsettling than ever, it was so awkward i could feel myself starting to melt and connect within my floor . I hated how awkward we had became with each other and i knew it was my fault since i had became so jealous of tiana and Brianna's friendship that i had completely thrown away our friendship

How bad of a friend can i become now, all she's trying to do is check up on me since i hadn't contacted her in literal weeks, and im obviously not doing the finest right now so why am i lying to her, why am i being rude right now, why am i being a stubborn bitch about it. I was never like this when i was depressed i would just let her pity me and i would cry in her arms, so why now am i deciding that im just to good to tell my best friend why im depressed

"You clearly aren't okay, i found you here this morning hovered up in the corner on the floor with your hands covering your ears, and your door was unlocked for anyone to come in and harm you, and your phone was dead so nobody could get in touch with you"

"I dont know, i-i was just doing homework last night, i had a long night" i said as i slid my hood of my head

I scratched my dirty greasy scalp that was dying for a wash

Brianna gasped and rushed over to me "oh my gosh when was the last time you've washed it"

"Uhh i- i dont know"—3months—"i've just hadnt had the chance"

She snatched my hands off of my scalp as she inspected the greasy pieces "oh dont give me that bull shit Alyssa"

"Im not"

She clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth "oh you poor thing"

"You poor thing"

Those four words instantly made me itchy, i hated the pity in her voice treating me like i was slmost a sick dog with no owner, i hated when people treated me like that, and it mostly only came from the mouths of the people from my hometown once i told them who my mother was

I hated the pity that came with the name that i shared

I pulled her arm away from me and got away from her grasp feeling a sense of annoyance

"Okay okay i get it, its okay I'll just wash it once i take a shower"

She crossed her arms firmly and pressed her lips together in a thin line

"Come here" she said as she firmly grabbed my arm

She held me in closed and held my tightly trying to forcefully drag me into the shower

"No ! What are you doing"

I held my ground and tried to pull away from her, her firm was tight so i struggled to even stand

"Your taking a bath"

"No!" I yelled

"Yes ! You need to get your ass in the bath !" She yelled back

"Leave me alone !!"

The more she pulled the more i started seeing my bathroom in clear eye vision, i quickly grabbed the next thjng close to me and held onto it. She smacked her teeth and grabbed on to my torso pulling me away

I bit my lip harshly and closed my eyes wishing that this could all go away, wishing that every one in my life would go away even if it were just a moment, even if it were only for a second, i would kill for everyone to just disappear from my life without any explanation

I opened my mouth and let out a loud painful scream that i had been holding on for too long, quickly her hand covered up my mouth and without thinking a second thought i took the chance and sunk my teeth into her harshly. She winced in pain and cried out as she pushed me onto the floor

My body flunk onto the hard wood floor,